Natsu and Naruto, The Deleted Scenes
by Hiddenray
Summary: So have you ever wondered what would happen if Natsu and Naruto opened a club, or if Hinata has any gay dreams, what scares Neji the most, how would a drinking contest between Tsunade and Canna go down, does Kiba have an inferiority complex, what happens when Natsu and Naruto smoke pot...read the story to settle your curiosity. ( Be warned of very adult language. Now discontinued.)
1. The new club

_**INTERVIEWS**_

Naruto and Natsu decided to open a small club for the awesome.

Only those with an 'N' in their name may join.

"Ok come in"-said a female voice, this was actually Hinata, she passed because she had an 'N' in her name and was somehow able to join a boys only club.

She did not blackmail Naruto with the old 'No sex for a week' card, nope, never.

Natsu leaned closer to Naruto's ear and whispered.

"She black mailed you with the 'no sex for a week' trick didn't she."

Naruto's eye twitched-"Nooooo... she'd never do that."

Natsu simply did a whipping motion with his hand, then suddenly noticed something-"Why is she in a Bunny girl costume?"

Naruto just shrugged his shoulders, he just hopes she's wears it tonight, of course then, it wouldn't last till tomorrow.

The candidate stepped into the room.

Hinata was holding a folder and started asking questions-"Ok...please begin by telling us your name."

Lee scratched his head, didn't she already know his name? And why in the name of youth, was she wearing a bunny girl costume.

"Um... my name is Rock Lee."

"NEXT!"

"WAIT! I didn't even get an interview!"

"I said, NEXT!"

Lee was thrown out of the room via shadow clone.

This time Kiba came in.

"No pets allowed!"-Hinata shouted to her team mate, she was not gonna clean dog shit in her club time.

Kiba went back out.

Natsu was getting bored-"Hey Naruto, when is she gonna let us interview somebody?"

Naruto leaned back on his chair, "I don't know man, she really doesn't like Kiba"

Next to come in was Kakashi.

"Name please?"

"Kakashi Hatake."

"Your name does not meet the requirements..."

Kakashi really wanted to join this club, they were giving free drinks to all members, He tried again-"...JONIN Kakashi Hatake"

The bunny girl-Hinata looked at his details in her clipboard-"It says here that you get excited by reading smut in public, is this true?"

"It was a childhood problem..."

"Welcome to the club."

Kakashi did a victory dance in his head and went out.

This time, a blond teen stepped into the room.

Natsu and Hinata noticed his creepy smile directed at Naruto.

"Name please"

"Beiber...Justin Beiber." He winked at Naruto at which Natsu just shivered.

Hinata trying to be professional looked at his details. "According to my data, you have a tendency to say baby a lot."

Completely ignoring her, J.B kept looking at a confused Naruto, who was wondering why the hell this guy was winking at him.

"So, Baby... you wanna grab a drink sometime?"

He was thrown out by a fiery fist and kick to the crotch before Naruto could reply.

Next who stepped in was a teenager with orange hair, he was carrying a large sword wrapped in bandages, strapped to his back.

"Name please."

"Ichigo Kurusaki."

Hinata was getting irritated with people who kept coming in without meeting the name requirements.

"Your name doesn't meet the requirements."

Now, Ichigo wasn't desperate, he could go anywhere to pass his time, but that damn Rukia kept following him, good thing this was a boys only club, of course he was also confused with the bunny girl asking the questions.

"Um, if you let me join... I'll show you something crazy."

Naruto picked his ear. "Nah...I already see crazy stuff happening on a daily basis."

"How about I tell you a super special secret about life and death and how people reach the afterlife."

Naruto thought about. "Tempting... Tempting... But, do have anything else to offer?"

"...uh...I can juggle?"

Natsu slammed his hands down on the table. "FINALLY! Someone useful! Yes you can join!"

Ichigo smugly walked out of the room, 'I knew juggling would help me one day.'

After the teen, two men stepped in, one was short with spiky black hair and the other was bald.

They were talking among themselves.

"Hey Vegeta!"-the bald man said.

"What is it Nappa."-Vegeta said in an annoyed tone.

"This looks like a fun club Vegeta, look at the...OH MY GOD THAT GUY HAS PINK HAIR!"-Nappa exclaimed while pointing at Natsu.

"Yes Nappa, people in Japan have pink hair, now can we leave now?"-Vegeta said in an even more annoyed tone.

"But I wanna jo-"-Nappa was about to beg Vegeta to let him join when he spotted Hinata in all her bunny girl glory.

"Vegeta Look! Its a Pokémon!"-Nappa said while pointing at Hinata.

"B-But I'm not a Po-Pokémon I'm Hinata."-Hinata stuttered out.

"Did you hear that Vegeta? Its a Hinata! I'm gonna catch it!"

"But I'm not a..."Hinata tried to say but was hit with a poké ball to the face, thrown by Nappa.

"We're leaving Nappa." Vegeta stated."You don't wanna end up like that green kid do you?"

Then Vegeta proceeded to drag Nappa out of the clubroom.

Natsu and Naruto shared a glance-"...We'll put them in the MAYBE list..."

They had enough interviews for the day.

 _ **END**_

 _ **Hiddenray's Note: So... go ahead and skip to chapter 39 if you already read the first 38 chapters... This story might end after chapter 42**_


	2. Hinata's dream

_**Hinata's dream**_

Naruto Uzumaki, wearing an orange silk suit, with a tie to match, stood in the middle of a large room with its lights dimmed, scented candles were lit, he was waiting for his beloved to arrive. He had bought the entire building just so they could finally have that special dance together that they had always dreamed of.

He glanced at the heart shaped clock on the wall, muttering under his breath. 'God...where the hell is-'

Suddenly as if on cue, the large double-doors swung open, and Naruto let out a gasp. Dressed in a lavender dress, with purple lipstick, stockings and high heels, Sasuke entered the room, a small grin on his lips.

A blush formed on Naruto's cheeks as Sasuke walked closer. 'He's... he's finally here...'

Once he had reached him, Sasuke got down on one knee and held out his palm. "Would you...like to dance my love?" He asked in a husky voice.

Naruto held out his hand and placed it gently into Sasuke's palm. "I would..."

Sasuke smiled as he wrapped one arm around Naruto's waist, while he held Naruto's left arm high into the air with his other hand. Naruto almost felt like crying then and there; he was just so happy to be alive, with the the person he loved.

"Sasuke... I love you..." Naruto whispered, burying his face into Sasuke's chest.

Sasuke bent over and kissed Naruto on the forehead, "And I love you, my darling Naru-chan..."

...That was when Hinata finally woke up.

Sitting up in bed, she blinked a few times, trying to understand what she had just dreamt.

'...I just dreamt that Naruto and Sasuke were gay lovers...' Hinata realized.

Then...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Woken up by the poor girl's screams, Neji came rushing into the room, completely naked, and for some reason, he had Lucy straddled to his back. "What happened!?" Neji cried, "Did you dream of Rock Lee again!?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

To say the least, Hinata was rather traumatized by the whole thing...which would explain her behavior around Naruto in the anime, wouldn't it?


	3. Neji's nightmare

_**Neji's nightmare**_

YOUTH...YOUTH...YOUTH...YOUTH...YOUTH...YOUTH...YOUTH...YOUTH...YOUTH...YOUTH...

EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, ALL AROUND ALL YOU SEE...

YYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"AAAGHHH!" Neji sat up in bed, and breathed heavily. 'Fuck! That was one hell of an awkward wet dream..'

 _ **END**_


	4. Hinata gets drunk

_**What happens when Hinata gets drunk**_

Natsu, Naruto, Gaara, Sakura, Lucy, Ino, Kakashi, Lee, Gai, Hinata and the rest of the gang were celebrating, they had just saved the life of the Kazekage, Gaara gave them permission to celebrate and drink as much as they wanted, free of charge.

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" -the boys were having a competition to see who could drink the most.

"Woooooohoooo!" - Naruto slammed his cup down, he had just beaten everyone, then he notices a certain shy girl sitting all alone, drinking orange juice.

"Hey! Hinata, have a drink with me!" - Naruto sat next to the blushing girl and handed her a glass of Vodka.

'Oh no...Naruto is sitting next to me! What should I do!?' -Hinata then notices that he had his arm extended, offering her a drink. Without thinking she took the glass and brought it closer to her mouth.

Neji suddenly noticed this, along with Tenten, Kakashi and Gaara suddenly cried, "DOOOOOOOOONNNNT!"

They were too late, Hinata already drank the liquid.

All Hell Broke loose.

 _The next morning_

Hinata got up from her bed and stretched, then suddenly grabs the bedsheet to cover her nudity.

No one was in the room. 'Thank God...I would have been so embarrassed if Naruto saw me like this.'

She opens the curtain and looks out the window.

The sun was up in the Village hidden in the sand, the sky was blue, the birds were chirping... and the buildings were burning in bright red flames, people were running and screaming as a giant tentacle monster chased them. Most of the Ninja were on the ground, they were bloody and dead. Kakashi was looking at an orange book as it kept burning, Lee no longer had any eyebrows, Neji was stripping for Tenten, Sakura was missing her legs and arms, Natsu was eating frozen yogurt, Gray was stealing clothes from random people as he kept chasing after Juvia, Shikamaru was working out, Choji was throwing away food and Lucy was melting her keys and Gaara was sitting in a corner while rocking himself back and forth.

Hinata got a thoughtful expression on her face, 'Did I drink last night?'

A noise from the closet got her attention, it's doors flew open and Naruto dropped on the floor, he was tied up, naked and had bruises all over his body which looked like he was hit repeatedly by a whip.

Hinata came to the conclusion that YES, she definitely DID drink last night.

 _ **END**_


	5. Keep calm and smoke pot

_**Keep calm and smoke pot**_

Natsu and Naruto were high... no, they weren't on a building or tree... they were _high._

Naruto being the responsible ninja that he was suggested what they should obviously do at a time like this.

"Hey Natsu?"

"Hmmm?"

"You hungry?"

"Yeah... I could go for some meat right about now."

"How about a pig..."

"Pig...?"

"Let's eat some pig..."

"I-I I... I don't know man... where the fuck are we gonna find a pig at 2 am?"

"Ohhhh...I know a place..."

 _Later at the Hokage mansion;_

Tsunade was in dream land when she heard a noise.

"Shhhhsh! Don't wake the hag up!"

"S-shut up man! Just tell me where she keeps her Dew... I'm thirsty."

Then the Hokage heard a crash... then something that sounded like a pig crying for help.

 **Oink oink oink OINK!**

"Get in the bag Tonton! Get in and I'll make it painless..."

After a while the noises stopped... it seemed like they left... time for some shut eye.

Wait... what's this smells? And did it get hotter?

 _Outside the Hokage mansion_

"Why!? Why did you set her house on fire!?"

"No Dew... no house."

"..."

"..."

"Fair enough..."

"I'm still eating that pig by the way..."

 _ **END**_


	6. We are eccentric

_**We are eccentric**_

 _Sakura:_

In her room she was standing in front of a full length mirror.

"HENGE!" There was apuff of smoke and in her place was an exact double of Sasuke.

" Ohhhh yeah... I Am Hot."

Then 'he' proceeded to take his clothes off.

 _Lee:_

"One thousand and ninety eight... one thousand ninety nine...TWO THOUSAND!"

Lee then stopped doing push ups and stood up.

"Whew! ... that was a nice warm up..."

He then started his real exercise...

 _Hinata:_

Hinata was in her room, sitting quietly in bed, Biyakugan activated.

'He he he... yeahhhhh... moooore! Show me more Naruto!'

She was also drooling...

'He he he ... Oh my, you naughty boy. He he he...'

She kept smiling for some reason that day.

 _Neji:_

"Yesss! Take it off Tenten! Take it off!"

The Biyakugan... is a ninja tool.

"Oh yeah! That is some nice tities _biactch_!"

The Biyakugan... is ONLY a ninja tool... nothing more.

 _Juvia:_

"Hmm hmm hmm hmm~" she was humming as she currently sorted garments in the small drawer.

' just sorting some undies~'

She kept humming...

' sorting underware is so fun'

She picked one out, it looked unclean.

' sorting Gray's underware is just so fun...lalallalalala...'

Then she started sniffing the garment...

 _Naruto:_

The blond was stripping naked in his kitchen, it was his kitchen, he was living alone, no one was gonna judge him.

Then he pulled out a ramen cum and filled it with hot water, after the ramen was prepared he pulled out some chopsticks and grabbed the noodles.

Then he moved the chopsticks to his mouth, he chewed the noodles, but he didn't swallow, he spit the noodles into his hand.

'No one must ever know of this...'

He then put the noodle covered hand onto his crotch, 'Absolutely no one must know... this is just between you and me ramen... just you and me...'

 _ **END**_


	7. Tsunade vs Canna

_**Tsunade vs Canna**_

In a battle of endurance two warriors challenged each other to a duel ... a test of mental will and stamina.

"I CAN FUCKING DRINK MORE THAN YOU!"

"NO! IM GONNA FUCKING DRINK MORE THAN YOU!"

"BITCH!"

"BIMBO!"

"LAZY DRUNK!"

"Why thank you! YA! LAZY OLD HAG!"

"WHO YOU CALLIN HAG!? HUH BIATCH!?"

The two were currently exchanging pleasantries in their own way.

"OK! How about we decide who the booze champion is by drinking till one of us fucking drops!?"-Canna challenged the Hokage.

"Ha! You won't last till morning!"

Little Wendy was standing next to her guild mate-"Um, I don't think its very healthy to drink so much... the two of you are already drunk."

Canna ignored the girl and took a vodka shot-"Cheers!"

The two drunks downed their drinks and started their little match.

 _THREE HOURS LATER_

Canna brought her shaking hand to grab her 56th glass of vodka-"Canna will win... Canna strongest there is!"-she gulped it down and waited for her opponent to make the next move.

Tsunade grabbed a bottle of vodka, then she looked Canna in the eye.

"You wouldn't."- said Canna.

All Tsunade did was grin as she grabbed another bottle, then a bucket, then she poured the two bottles into the bucket.

"Watch me bitch."

The Hokage gulped down the bucket of booze and threw the bucket away.

Canna wasn't gonna give up, IT. WAS .ON.

 _?HOURS/DAY LATER_

Canna woke up with a groan. She looked around and noticed that it wasn't her room. She also noticed her lack of clothes. Then she hears the bed shuffling. She raises the cover.

Tsunade was also naked in the covers.

"Damm...I must of been really drunk."

Then she notices another movement in the covers, after lifting the covers further she just felt guilty at what she saw.

Wendy was naked, her mouth covered with a gag ball and her arms and legs were tied up with string, she was covered with bondage gear, and was that...

"Is that vibrator still moving moving in her ass!?"

Fucked up was how she could describe her morning.


	8. Kakashi is a late and lazy bastard

_**Kakashi is a late and lazy bastard**_

Erza was sitting under a pink tree in the local park, she was waiting for her date.

It was her first date and she wanted to surprise him by coming early.

 _Twenty minutes later_

'Any time now...aaaaaany time.'- Erza thought to herself.

 _One hour later_

'He's gonna jump out of a tree ninja style right abouuuuuuuuut NOW!'

He didn't.

 _Six hours later_

Erza was shivering in her short dress, it was midnight and she was still waiting.

'Well... at leat the weather is nice.'

It started raining after that.

 _Twelve hours later_

Erza got up from under the tree, she had a furious expression on her face.

'Hehehe...I'm gonna kill him... Muwahahahah! I'll FUCKING kill him and then... then I'll make him buy me cake...lots and lots of cake...muwahahahaha!'

People just stared at the redhead laughing to herself.

"Mommy, is that girl crazy?"

" Shsssh! Don't look her in the eye honey!"

 _Leaf village - Kakashi's house_

 **Knock knock knock**

"Open your door dammit!"

 **Knock knock knock**

"Just accept your fate and give me my cake!"

 **Knock knock knock**

Suddenly the door of the other house opened and a man wearing all green spandex stepped out. He looked at the redhead knocking his neighbor's door. - " Um, excuse me mam... but, do you know Kakashi?"

"Yes, I'm his girlfriend...why, where is he?"

"I'm sorry for your loss, he died in a mission yesterday, a true hero and a true friend."

Erza's eyes widened, 'Oh no... why?'

Erza just walked lifelessly after that, she kept walking until she got home and cried herself to sleep.

 _The next day- Kakashi's house._

 **Knock. Knock. Knock.**

"Oi! Kakashi! She's gone!"

The door opens and Kakashi pops his head out, - "So, I guess I owe you fifty ryos now?"

And that was how Kakashi broke up with the redhead without having to die in the process.

 _ **END**_


	9. The checklist

_**The checklist**_

Naruto and Hinata liked to have sex, they liked it a lot. Hinata even made a list of all the places and positions they should have sex in.

"So, what's left Naruto?"

Naruto held the list and started marking the ones they had done. " OK, so we've done; sex in the pool, sex in the attic, sex in the back yard, sex in that small closet, sex in the basement, sex behind the bushes, sex vertically on the tree, sex in the Hokage office, sex in Sakura's office, sex in the middle of the street under a genjutsu disguise, sex in the club room, sex in your dad's office, sex inyour sisters's room, sex in your sister's room while she slept, sex in the academy, sex in Kakashi's house, sex in Kuerenai's house, sex in the ramen stand and sex in the shower while your sister was also showering... should we try the bed room now?"

Hinata thought about it and shook her head. "No Naruto, that's where we sleep..."

"You're right...then, Natsu's house?"

"Natsu's house." Hinata nodded.

And that's why Natsu sleeps at Lucy's house.

 _ **END**_


	10. A gangbang

_**A gangbang**_

Natsu was bragging to the guys how he had a threesome with Lucy and Lisana. - "...and then Lucy started slapping Lisana's ass! It was so HOT!"

All the guys including Elfman and Mira had blood running down their nose after hearing that detailed threesome.

A snort was heard in the hall, everyone's eyes turned to Naruto.

"That was nothing ... I had a... um, what do... what do you call it when there's fifty?" Naruto asked.

"..."

"An orgy." Juvia answered in monotone voice.

" Yeah! That's right, I had fifty clones nail Hinata in all the positions all night..."

"..."

"Do you even comprehend that!?" Naruto grabbed Natsu as he said this.

"..."

"OBVIOUSLY NOT! Just think... fifty of you, having sex with a single girl... it happened last night and she's _still_ twitching."

"..."

"I know, I'm like a sex god! aren't I?"

"..."

"...Guys?"

"..."

No one answered... all the guys could think was doing it fifty times in a night, and all the girls could think was doing it with fifty guys in a night, all Canna could think was fifty- (you know what it is).

 _ **END**_


	11. WING MAN

_**WING MAN:**_

"He he he..."

"What's so funny Natsu?"

"Oh nothing Lucy... it's just that I remembered a quest I did last week."

"Oh yeah?, tell me about it"

"Well... it started as a quest to help this blond ninja, I was suppose help him get a girlfriend..."

 _:flashback:_

 **Attempt no. 1**

"So all I have to do is save Sakura and she'll fall madly in love with me?" -Naruto asked the dragon slayer.

"Yup! And I'll set it all up, remember to bring her to the restaurant in an hour."

-an hour later-

"WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKKK!"-Naruto screamed while dogging flaming pots, pans and a bath-tub?-heading his way.

Next to him was Sakura, "MY FUCKIN' HEAD'S ON FIIIRE!"-she was not happy at all.

Up on the roof of the burning restaurant stood Natsu-"THIS IS WHAT YOU FUCKING GET! NO BODY GIVES ME A FUCKING ICE TEA INSTEAD OF MY MOUNTAIN DEW AND LIVESSSS!"-he was not a fan of iced tea.

 **Attempt no. 2**

"So we had a bad start... not a problem at all!"-Natsu said to the blond glaring at him."We just have to try harder!"

"You set my team mates' head on fire..."

Natsu held a finger up,"But I gave her that pretty wig didn't I?"

"That was a mop... covered with gum."

"Say what you want! I still say its an improvement!"

Naruto started walking to the door,"You better fix this... or your not getting paid."-he said, while slamming the door shut.

Natsu responded by flipping the middle finger to the closed door."Fuck you too!"

-a few hours later-

"Oh Naruto, this so nice-" Sakura and Naruto were currently sitting under a tree next to a river bed outside the village."Its just you, me and relaxation."

"Who's this 'relaxation' you speak of? are you cheating on me!?"-Naruto grabbed her shoulders.

"You're so funny~"

It was a very peaceful moment...if only there wasn't a giant forest fire that came out of no where and trapped them.

"NATSUUU! WHAT GAVE YOU THE STUPID IDEA THAT THIS WOULD HELP!?"

Natsu came out of the bushes-"It sounded awesome in my head... it went like this; the forest was suddenly in fire, the hero and his lover were trapped- but! Suddenly the hero sucked all the fire into his mouth and ate it, the the boy gets a kiss on the cheek, he grabs the girl and throws her over his shoulder and then they run to the nearest cave... the end."

Naruto's left eye twitched, "How did that make ANY! sense at all!?"

"Don't know... this is your problem now man."-he started walking back to the bushes.

"Wait!"-Sakura shouted to the Dragon Slayer."Can't you just help us put out the fire!?"

Natsu stared at her as if she had popped out of tin air,"Who the HELL are you!?"

Naruto was starting to pull his hear out,"She's the one I needed help with."

Natsu was confused,"Really!?"-he scratched his head,"I could've sworn it was that girl with the weird eyes, that I was suppose to help."

"Who are you talking about!?"-Naruto grabbed Natsu's vest.

Natsu pointed to the river, there was a shadow in the water that suspiciously looked like a ninja version of Juvia.-"She's the one who told me to set your team mate's head on fire."

Naruto jumped into the water and pulled out-"A purple Jacket?"

"Wait there's a note in the front pocket."-Sakura pointed to a paper sticking out of the pocket.

Naruto opened it and started reading outloud ; **Dear Naruto, if you found this letter then it means you have probably spotted me and I ran like a bitch before you could get anywhere near me.**

"Its really well written"-Natsu interrupted."Shut up Natsu..."

 **This letter is also my way of telling you that I have been watching you... I have always watched you.**

"This chick sounds like she really digs you man."

"Ignore him Naruto."

 **I've been watching you since you joined the academy up till today... I know all there is to know about you.**

"You guys sound like the perfect match"

"Keep reading Naruto"

 **I know how you get wood in the morning and then spend an hour to releave yourself, I know how long your manly Dick is**

"OK!"-Natsu started walking to the bushes-"this is getting a little too creepy even for me... and I'm the guy who think's breaking into houses isn't a crime."-he was followed by Sakura-"You should just throw that away Naruto its giving me the chills."

Naruto kept reading.

 **I know your scent, I know your underwear size, I even have some of your hair and that sock you didn't need**

"Didn't I throw a sock into the garbage because it was giving my feet some fungus?"-Naruto shrugged.

 **I always smell your sock first thing in the morning, I'll never wash it...Its my most prized possession.**

"This person really likes me... I should meet her, we could talk all about how awesome I am."

 **The next day**

"Thanks for the extra money Naruko."-Natsu said while pocketing 50 thousand jewels.

"Naruto."-the blond corrected.

"Tomato potato."

"What?"

"Nothing menma"

"Why do you keep saying my name wrong? Its really simple .Tooo. come on say it!"

"Hey I got you the girl didn't I?"-Natsu pointed to Hinata, currently hiding behind a desk.

"I can't remember ALL my clients names Ninato."

"Just take your money and leave."

Natsu started walking out the office, but, he suddenly stopped-"Wait a minute!" he turned around-"I still did't get my mountain dew!"

"We don't have any!"

Natsu took a chair and sat down,"I'm not leaving till I get my Dew!"

Naruto walked to Hinata and whispered,"just get him something from the store, anything will do!"

Hinata nodded her head and went to buy a drink.

 _-a few moments of silence later-_

"I'm back"-true Hinata was back, and in her hand was a can of cold beverage.

"Finally!"-Natsu shouted, as he snatched the can out of her hands, he opened it and gulped it down.

"U-um, Natsu-san... I couldn't find any dew."

Natsu stopped drinking, then he brought the can down and read the label.

 **Iced Tea**

" ICED TEA? ICED FUCCKING TEEAAA!? I'M GONNA FUCKING BLOW THIS PLACE UP! THAT'S IT! YOUR'E ALL GONNA BE MY BITCHES! YOUR'E ALL FUCKED!"

The following scene was too horrific to write, so I (yes me, the author) will entertain you with a song.

 _You! And me!_

 _Simultaneous~_

 _You! And me! And HER!_

 _Simultaneous~_

 _You! And me! And HER!_

 _Simultaneous~_

 _You! and Me!_

 _Two or three!_

 _Simultaneous Lovin Baby~_

 _Ooh! That's right!_

 _Get down! Simultaneous~_

...now lets see what is currently happening.

"OH GOD! STOP! STOP! AGHHHH!"

"YOU WANNA GIVE ME ICED TEA NOW!? WELL!? DO YA!?"

"PLEASE STOP! NO! NOT MY RAMEN STAND! NOOOOOOO!"

"I WARNED YOU BITCHES! I FUCKING WARNED YOUUUU!"

 _:flash back end:_

"...and that's why I've been hiding in you closet since I came back."

"Go home Natsu."

 _ **END**_


	12. THE TOUR

_**THE TOUR:**_

Natsu was looking for Igneel, he was currently in a forest- **"How did I get here again?"** up ahead he saw an entrance into some sort of-"Is that an underground Tree house?"

Being the curious wizard that he was, he went and knocked on the door.

"HEY!" **Knock_knock_** "IS ANY ONE HOOOOME!" **knock_knock_knock** "If you don't open it, then I'll burn the place down!"

That was when the door opened and a white haired teen with glasses came out-"What did you say you were gonna do?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Okaaay..."-kabuto shuffled his feet,-"then what do you want?"

"Have you seen a dragon around here somewhere, about yay big"-Natsu pointed to a medium sized mountain.

"Oh, well I haven't seen one of those yet."- **"This guy sounds like he's High...sigh, I wish I could get high."** -Kabuto thought.

Natsu was disappointed with his reply, "Okay then, I guess I'll leave you alone now"-he started walking away-"I'll just cheer myself up by burning down some trees."

Kabuto being the kind soul that he was, took pity on the dragon slayer and decided to invite him inside-"Hey! hold on, how about I treat you to some Mountain Dew."

It was as if Natsu learned how to teleport, because he was ten meters away one moment and then the next moment he was standing in front of Kabuto.

"Natsu is a good boy!"-Natsu said in a cheerful tone.

"Okay... then step right in please"-Kabuto opened the door and they went in.

-a few moments later-

After getting his bottle of Mountain dew, Natsu was getting a tour of the hideout.

"First up on our tour is the torture room"-Kabuto motioned Natsu to look into the window separating them from the torture room.

"Hey Kabuto, why is it called the torture room?"

"That's because this is the most relaxing room in this place, listen to their screams."

 **God please kill meee!**

 **Aaaagghh!**

 **Heeeelp!**

 **MY DIIIICK! MY FUCKING DIIICK! AGHHHHH!**

"Soothing isn't it?"-Kabuto was listening to the screams as if they were smooth jazz.

"I don't know man..."-Natsu was looking at a guy getting his nipples ripped off-"That guy looks like he's in pain"

Kabuto waved him off-"That's just a super special nipple piercing, they'll put his nipple back on after their done."

"Oh! Then maybe I should get one too."

The man's other nipple then gets cut off.

 **AAAGHHH! MY FUCKING NIPPLE! IT FUCKING HURTS! IT FUUCKING HURTSSSS! AGHHHH!**

"Maybe piercings aren't your thing Natsu."-Kabuto took Natsu to the next place in his tour.

-a few moments later-

"Why is that guy's stomach on the table Kabuto?"-Natsu pointed to a man tied on the steel table struggling to get out of his chains, his stomach was cut open and his guts were sticking out.

"He is going through an operation that might cure him of a disease that only some ninja seem to get infected with."

"What's this disease called?"

"It's called the 'I fucked up and got caught spying on Orochimaru' disease."

"That's a pretty long name for a disease."

"Yes, naming diseases isn't all it's cracked up to be."-Kabuto didn't want to bore his guest with a boring operation-"how about we go to our next spot."

-A few moments later-

"And here we have lord Orochimaru's happy fun time room."

Natsu looked into the reinforced window,-"Why are there a several dozen of half naked kids in that room?"

"Lord Orochimaru loves to take care of kids."

"Why are they all boys?"

"Lord Orochimaru say that girls might start to enjoy his lessons, so he decided to only keep boys."

Natsu nodded his head, **"I don't get it but, smart people always nod their heads."**

Natsu watched a 13 year old boy try to stand up and walk, "Hey Kabuto, why is that kid walking funny?"

"That's because he is Lord Orochimaru's most favorite pupil, his name is Sasuke Uchiha."

"Then why is he walking with a limp?"

"Lord Orochimaru is always ROUGH with HIS training, they went at it for six hours straight last night."

"That kid sure works hard."

"Yes he does Natsu... yes he does..."

-some time later-

Kabuto and Natsu were standing at the entrance of the hideout.

"Well, it was nice meeting you Kabuto, and thanks for the Dew, the tour was... interesting?... well any way see ya!" Natsu walked away into the sunset as he waved his new friend goodbye.

Kabuto also waved back,"Bye! come back soon! Next time I'll show you my room Okay!"

Natsu kept waving his hand not hearing the last sentence- **"He's weird, but I can't wait to tell Lucy how much Mountain dew I drank..."**

 _ **THE END**_


	13. Sasuke retrieval mission

_**Sasuke retrieval mission**_

This was it, Naruto was about to hit Sasuke with his rasengan while Sasuke was about to hit him with his chidori.

The rasengan was about to collide with the chidori, until...

'Wait...Sasuke said I wouldn't even be able to scratch his forehead protector...hehehe, well...I'll show him!'

Naruto moved the rasengan towards the metal, while Sasuke moved the chidori to Naruto's chest

 _RASENGAN/ CHIDORI!_

Sasuke had his headband scratched while Naruto had a hole in his chest.

'...GOD DAMMIT, That was a HORRIBLE idea!'

 _ **END**_


	14. Sakura and Natsu

_**Sakura and Natsu**_

The two pink haired teens were having a chat in a local ramen stand.

"...so...you have pink hair..." Sakura said as she played with her food.

" Uh...yeah...you used to have pink hair too..." Natsu said as he drank his seventh bottle of mountain dew.

"It was a beautiful pink, like the pink of cherry blossoms... but then you burnt it."

"Oi! I thought you were over that!"

" You burnt my hair..."

"Sigh...okay...I'm sorry! Are you happy now!"

"I don't know... you're gonna have to make it up to me somehow." Sakura pouted and turned the other way.

Natsu grabbed hold of her hands, "Sakura..." he made her look into his eyes, she was mesmerized instantly, "Sakura, there's something I always wanted to say to you..."

Sakura blushed as he cupped her face, "W-what is Natsu...?"

Natsu inched his face closer to hers, her heart was now racing, "Sakura... I just... I-... I want to..."

She inched her face closer, puckering up her lips and slowly closing her eyes, "Go ahead Natsu, tell me..."

Natsu manned up and her shoulders, "Sakura... You're a dumb dirty fucking ugly bitch, and I sometimes vomit just thinking about you..."

Sakura's whole world crashed before her eyes, then Natsu jumped out the window while shouting, "I only came to get my giant bubble gum collection back!"

They had nothing in common other than hair colour anyway... but Sakura would always remember him, him and his harsh words that seriously made her hot and bothered...she liked the ones that were hard to get... Sasuke? Sasuke who?

 _ **END**_


	15. THE SUMMONING

_**THE SUMMONING:**_

It was a month before the chunin exams, Naruto was hard at work practicing his new technique, "Summoning jutsu!" there was a puff of smoke and what came out was, "Look! it's got legs this time!"- he shouted, while pointing at the tadpole.

Jaraiya looked at the tadpole, "Wow Naruto, that's progress, you should try jumping on it and riding it to the exams."-he went back to the bushes where he could look at the girls bathing.

"What am I doing wrong!?"

Jiraiya looked back at the blond, " Look Naruto, you can't just throw all your chakra into it, shout out the name and then just expect it to happen."

Naruto tilted his head, "I can't ?"

"No! you stupid Fuck! you need to have some sort of strong feeling in it some sort of emotion, something unique like the feeling of having the spot between your legs being rubbed by a hot prostitute."-Jiraiya started drooling.

"What's a pros-"

"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOUR OLDER!"

Naruto went back to his training, **Stupid horny sage... ok I need some sort of emotion, a feeling, maybe even a fantasy? how about... aha! that's it.**

"Summoning Jutsu!"-there was a puff of smoke and when it cleared Jiraiya's jaw dropped, Naruto was speechless.

In front of them was a red head woman in armor, "Where am I?" she pointed her sword to the drooling Jiraiya who then looked back at Naruto, "What were you thinking of!?"

"All I did was imagine Sakura when she grows up, a strong body, with lots boobies and a taste for cosplay!"

Jiraiya looked back to the read head then back at Naruto, "Naruto... you expect too much... you have to lower your expectations... like, REALLY low."

Erza had enough of this, she pointed her sword at the man's neck and asked again, "Tell me where I am!"

Jiraiya raised his hands up in surrender, "My student here"-he motioned to Naruto, "-accidentally summoned you, he was suppose to summon a frog but, you know shit happens"

Erza put her sword down and started thinking, "How do I get back home?"

Jiraiya replied before Naruto could answer, "That's easy, all you have to do is satisfy me and if I'm _really_ satisfied then you get to come home with me..."

That was when Erza started pounding his head into the dirt.

:::A brutal Beat-down later:::

"So what your saying is that, this underdeveloped brat-" she motioned to Naruto, "-is the one who summed me?"

Her response was a moan from the half dead Jiraiya.

"And that the only way for me to get home is if I helped him win this tournament?"

"yeaah" said Jiraiya.

Erza pointed her sword to the sky, "Then I will train him until he can beat anyone who comes at him..."

Naruto didn't want a girl to train him, "Wait! don't I get a say in this!?"

Erza kept talking as if she didn't hear the blond, "I will make you into a fine young warrior, you will be able to crush mountains, you will beat any and all competitors if its the last thing you do!"

"What type of training are you planning to make me do!?"

"The ' _I'm gonna throw you off of a cliff'_ kind! ... now let's get started!"

 **"Fuck no! I'm going home!"**

That was the last time Erza saw the blond ninja.

 _ **END**_


	16. The summoning, part 2

_**The summoning, part 2**_

Erza had finally found Naruto and started teaching him.

"NOW STRIP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!"

"WHAT THE HELL!? How is that an exercise!?"

They were doing the basics.

Erza was getting frustrated from the lack of progress 'Ughhh...how am I suppose to train this brat!? He won't strip, he won't wear the armor I gave him, he doesn't even know how to do basic sword wielding.'

Erza finally got an Idea, ' I know I promised...but there's no other way.'

"OK Naruto, this is enough for today."

Naruto didn't believe what he just heard, this _monster_ who made his life a living hell this month, wanted to give him a break!? 'OMG She killed me didn't she!? No wonder I got a break! I must be a ghost!'

Erza got confused when Naruto made a clone so that it could listen to his heartbeat. "But Naruto, I want you to do a few things today..."

"Like what?"

"I want you to do things that you always wanted to do, you know... go to a restaurant you always wanted to go, say something you always wanted to say to somebody, stuff like that."

And so Naruto did, he went to his favorite ramen stand, ate 10 bowls of ramen, and had a peek at sakura while she took a shower (the bathroom window was open).

After all this, Erza made him wear a blindfold and told him she was going to give him a surprise if he followed her.

" OK Naruto, open the blindfold..."

He did and found himself at...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"...the SKY!?"

they were 2000ft above the sea.

"THAT'S RIGHT! AND I'M ABOUT TO DROP YOU... BYE! :) "

And she did... because she only promised that she wouldn't push him off of a cliff.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Naruto's life flashed in his eyes. '...Dammit my life SUKED! NO WAY I'M DYING A VIRGIN!'

So he summoned a toad, a big gigantic toad, a confused gigantic toad.

"What the- WHERE HELL AM I!?"

And so, Naruto didn't die and Erza ate cake for dinner... the moral of the story is...Nothing in anime makes any sense!

 _ **END**_


	17. Switched

_**Switched**_

It was just supposed to be a mission to stop Nirvana, now...

Sasuke was standing in front of the Hokage giving his report for the mission, with him were Naruto, Sakura, Natsu, Gray, Erza and Lucy.

"So, did anything interesting happen during the mission?"-The busty Hokage asked the group.

Naruto and Sakura shuffled their feet, finally Sakura answered-"Well... you see"-she didn't know how to explain what just happened.

So Sasuke explained for her,"WE PREVAILED! FOR THE LEEEEEEEAAAFFFF!"-he pumped his fist up and was restrained by multiple clones, who jumped on him, but he kept shouting-"WE TOOK THOSE MATHAFUGERS TO SCHOOL!"-by now Naruto was getting tired and tried to shut his mouth using duck tape he found on the floor.

Sasuke kept screaming-"WE WERE ALL LIKE, HEY! OI! BETTER RUN MOTHERFUCKERS! OR WE'RE GONNA KICK YOU IN THE NUTS!"-Naruto was finally able to put enough duck tape to shut him up-' _Sorry Sasuke, I don't enjoy treating you this way but...Hahaha! Who the fuck am I kidding, I'm loving every second of this!'_

Sasuke wasn't the only one affected by the evil machine-"Can I get my pay now, I have to go look for Igneel...and kill him."-said Natsu in a low voice.

Everyone looked to the brooding Dragon Slayer, Natsu looked at the floor and kept talking to himself-"None of you can understand, I just have to kill him, and if anyone gets in my way-"-he was looking at a sweating Lucy now-"-I'll Bitch slap them into a coma."

Erza just raised an eyebrow, then looked to the Hokage-"Well as you can see all of our members are just fine, we would like to get our pay now."

"Um Erza-"-Gray tried to remind the red head about their Dragon Slayer,"-I think there's something wrong wi-"

"All our members are fine Gray."

"Yeah. But I think that Natsu's bee-"

"I thought I told you that all our members are Fine Gray."

Gray gave up,"What ever..."

Natsu 'hmp'ed' at him-"Idiot."

Now that was the last straw for Gray, Erza can call him an idiot, Lucy can call him a stripper and Canna can even call him a homosexual- but he was not gonna stand here and be called an Idiot by this guy, "Now let me tell you something Nats-"

 **SLAP**

Gray held his left cheek-"Did you just...Did you just BITCHSLAP ME!?"

 **SLAP**

"That's right stripper, just hold your cheeks like that."

Seeing the wizards act this way had convinced the Hokage, "It seems they are just fine."

That was when the Uchiha got loose-"AND THEN WE MADE THEM OUR BITCHES!"

This time the Uchiha was restrained by Naruto, it was done by kicking his balls.

Sakura looked at the groaning Uchiha on the floor, then Naruto-"What the HELL Naruto!?"

Naruto tried to explain himself as best he could-"He was a Homo anyway."-He was rewarded with a kick to his balls, courtesy of Sakura.

Gray stared at the brutality-' _That's got to hur-"_

 **Crack**

"OH FUCK!-" Gray was on the floor and he pointed his shaking finger at Natsu-"YOU KICKED ME IN NUTS!"

Natsu just stared at him-"The weak should not be allowed to reproduce, I did you a favor...you should thank me and be grateful that I helped you with your problem."

"YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU KICKED ME IN THE NUTS AFTER SLAPPING MY FACE!"

"I remember slapping you TWICE!"

"You just wait till I tell Juvia about this... she'll feed you your own dick!"

"Maybe I should feed you your dick, you worthless manwhore!"

Sasuke then suddenly jumped on the office table-"WAAAAAAAAAITTTT!"

Everyone stopped to look at him.

Sasuke stood still for a moment then spoke-"Loooook..."-he opened his hands to show them what he had-"I found ... a cookie...cool right?"

Everyone just stared at him with a 'W.T.F' expression. Sasuke then jumped in front of Naruto, "Don't worry Naruto, I'll let you borrow the cookie."

"ENOUGH!"-shouted Natsu.

Everyone now stared at the Dragon Slayer.

Natsu glared at everyone to see if anyone dared to go against what he said.-"Now that everyone has respectfully closed their wide asses, I want to hire every tracking Ninja this back water village has."

Tsunade asked the obvious question.

"Why?"

Natsu was tempted to kill the woman, here he was, politely asking for service, and then this bitch questions why he needed her ninja. He was soooo tempted.

"Why else, to find an overgrown lizard obviously."

"I don't think you have the kind of money needed to afford that many ninja."

Natsu grinned, "Who said I was gonna pay them."

After that Natsu proceeded with making the entire village into his Bitch.

First was the demolition of coffee shops, then construction of Mountain Dew shops, then he went on war with the other hidden villages, concurring village after village, finally the day came when he sent all of the Ninja in the world to fight the mighty dragons.

They won.

And he had a harem of the most beautiful women surrounding him.

But, time ends all things and at his old age he realized that he was ultimately going to die.

He vowed to die like a boss.

He flew to the sun...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...and ATE it.

The resulting power he achieved was too great to control, but he managed to direct all of his power to a single roar, a roar which destroyed an entire galaxy, Andromeda.

Hopefully he had destroyed the closest thing to iced tea in that galaxy.

He had truly died like a boss.

 _ **END**_


	18. Kiba's inferiority complex

_**Kiba's inferiority complex**_

Kiba was in the fairy tail guild hall, he was currently having a chat with Wendy.

"I mean, he's just so full of himself!" Kiba kept bitching, while Wendy nodded her head.

"He acts like he's better than me! He keeps on mocking me, he's always stealing the spot light!"

"Um...Kiba-san, I don't think its nice to talk bad about friends behind their backs."

Kiba just ignored her and kept going. "And he has ALL of Hinata's attention at him! And you know what!? He doesn't even know! Its like he can't understand her at all!"

"B-but! Isn't he your best friend!?"

"I'm sick of him! Akamaru's always been this way, he makes it look like I can't do anything without him at all!"

A growl catches their attention, they turn around.

"Oh hey! Akamaru, I was just talking about how awesome you are..."

 **Bark. Bark. Growl.**

"What!? You think I'm the one who should brush his teeth!? Screw you!"

 **Bark. Bark. Bark.**

"I am NOT a lazy bum! It just takes me a while to get the right motivation!"

 **Bark. Bark. Bark.**

"NO! You're the son of a bitch!"

 **Bark. Bark. Bark.**

"I do NOT fantasize about you!"

 **Bark. Bark. Bark.**

"That was a one time thing!"

 **Bark. Bark. Bark.**

"That...That's against the rules! You can't talk to me like this, your my dog!"

Suddenly Natsu jumps in and kicks Kiba in the head.

"SREW THE RULES! I EAT FIRE!"

And thus an ending doesn't need to make sense.

 _ **END**_


	19. First time

_**First time**_

Hinata blushed as she stared at a naked Naruto.

Naruto was also blushing as he kept looking at Hinata's breast, they were about to have sex for the first time.

Suddenly he found himself tied to the bed, while Hinata slowly approached him with drool coming out of her mouth.

"D-don't worry Naruto, I-I'll be G-gentle..."

Naruto gulped, as she pulled out a whip.

It was gonna be a looooong night.

 _ **END**_


	20. Gray vs Itachi

_**Gray vs Itachi**_

"Diiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!"-Gray ran at the Uchiha with his sword raised.

"WAAAAAAAAAAITTTTT!"

Gray stopped mid swing to look at the Uchiha-"What!? You want to say some final words or something like that... because if you do, them I'm calling you a faggot when I brag about this."

"Don't you see something fucked up with this scene right here!?"

Gray looked around-"Nope don't think so..."

"Why the FUCK! are you trying to kill me!?"

"I-..."-now that Gray thought about, why the fuck _was_ he trying to kill this guy?

"See!? Now this is just fuck up right here!"

Grays eyes widened, "Y-your right!"

That was when Sasuke woke up and looked around the room.

"Now that dream was just fucked up."

 _ **END**_


	21. How Naruto got his last name

_**How Naruto got his last name**_

Jiraya and the Third Hokage were taking care of a blond baby with whisker marks on his cheeks.

"What should his last name be?"

Jiraya thought about it for a while-"His last name must be awesome, it has to seem noble, it had to strike fear in the hearts of his enemies, it has to make the girls have an orgasm from hearing it, it will give him a hot stalker girl for no apparent reason, it needs to say 'Hey! Don't make me get up, because if I do, then I might just turn around and accidentally slap you with my DICK!' .It has to be all of that in one word."

The third and Jiraya shared a glance.

"Uzumaki." They both said at the same time.

Giving Naruto his mother's last name was definitely a right decision. That bitch scared the hell out of them.

 _ **END**_


	22. Natsu's new catchphrase

_**Natsu's new catchphrase:**_

Natsu breaths out a giant tornado of lightning.

"Natsu how did yo-"

"SCREW THE RULES! **I** MAKE THE FIRE!"

 _ **END**_


	23. Into the Anima

_**Into the Anima**_

Naruto was sucked into the Anima, he woke up in a forest, and found the Fairy tail guild after a little exploring.

Inside the guild, he saw a bunch of people passed out with the smell of alcohol in the air.

He looked around until he found a door that said, 'Lucy's secret room'

He didn't know why it was labeled if it was secret, that was messed up.

He opened the door and his mouth fell open, the room was chok-full of bondage gear.

Naruto's eyes went to something moving.

It was a small blue haired girl, probably thirteen years old, she was twitching as the vibrator kept moving in her ass.

Naruto took a step back, closed the door and and started running.

 _ **END**_


	24. Natsu's song for insanity

_**Natsu's song for insanity**_

Natsu gets up on the stage after punching Gageel into the trap door, ALL stages had trap doors.

Natsu cleared his throat- "I would like to dedicate this song to anyone who hates mountain dew!"

Bass and drums start playing in the background, Natsu grabs the microphone and starts singing.

"Hehe... Now I've lost it!" "I know I can killl~"

"Eyes are frosted!" "Its just for the thrill~"

"I pull the gun out~" "Its aimed. Right at! The crowd!"

"My. Victim. Looked me. In. The Eye!" "And I know. I can't Deny!"

"The thrill I got when I shot him right between. The Eye!"

"...That's right..." "I've lost it..."

"Bcuz' I waited till the cops ARRIVED!"

" They weren't heroes..." "Justice. Did. Not prevail!"

"You can't blame me!" "I've always been this way!"

"I AM. NOT. Insane!" "Because I know this life is just a game!"

"I Am. Not. the last boss~" "I. Am a. Glitch! In. THE GAME!"

...Natsu stopped singing when he noticed that people were starting to back away from him. 'Meh...who cares! I was hot out there!'

 _ **END**_


	25. A very Icha Icha Christmas

**A very Icha Icha Christmas**

It was Christmas day, and people with holiday cheer, were spending it with someone dear.

Except two certain people, they were alone, and sad, and filling their hearts with Smut!

"He he... he he ..." - Kakashi giggled as he read the latest series of the R-rated books, "These Christmas specials are always hard core! He he..." He was sitting under a giant tree, it was on an island, he didn't want to explain to Gai the actual reason why the two of them couldn't attend the Christmas party together, so he grabbed his books and walked to the closest deserted island.

As he read his book, he never noticed a certain red-head, she was sitting on top of a tree branch, she hadn't noticed him before, but she heard the giggling and looked down to see her 'dead' boyfriend. She pointed a shaking hand at him, _'G-g-host! H-he's a GHOST!'_ And then she screamed, "Eeeeeeek!"

Kakashi looked up and noticed who was screaming, _'Looks like I can kiss my Christmas goodbye... sigh.'_

Erza fell from the branch and landed in front of the man. She got up and dusted herself, then bowed to Kakashi, "Forgive me! I was late to your funereal! And I was blaming you, I thought you were late! Please forgive me!"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, then smirked under his mask, "Wooooo~ Yeees~ I am one the three ghost that will visit you on chriiiiiiistmast~ night!" He waved his hands around for further emphasis.

" But, the sun is still up..." Erza said pointing at the sun.

Kakashi coughed, "Ahem! ... well, you see... you have been so bad, I had to come during the day, because it would take all day and night for your ...he he...'punishment'."

"Why!? What did I do!? I never did anything bad!"

Kakashi looked around, then his sight landed on his book, "Its not what you did... its what you didn't doooo~ "

"Could you stop doing that?"

"I'll tryyyyyyy~ "

Kakashi grabbed the book and handed it to Erza, "Read the book out loud, and UNLEASH your desires!"

Erza inspected the small orange book, then read from where a page was folded, "...She silently moaned as s-s-she h-had her f-fist Orgasm!?" She threw the book back to Kakashi, and covered her blushing face, _'It was like one of Levy's books, but it was much more descriptive...'_

Kakashi handed her the book again, then looked her seriously in the eyes, "Your first punishment, is to read the whole book out loud to me...and make the moans sound real, put some effort into it!"

Reluctantly, Erza grabbed the book and opened it, "...S-she s-slowly sl-slid off h-her o-only piece of c-clothing, the y-yukatta fell t-to the..."

Kakashi groaned, it was gonna be a long night.

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

Erza shifted in her bed, she wasn't used to having a man in her room. She also wasn't used to people looking in her panty closet, _'sniff... now I know how Lucy feels...'_

Kakashi clapped his hand, "Okay! So it looks like you really DON'T have handcuffs... what else can I use... aha!" Kakashi smirked under his mask, "Okay Erza, now I want you to sit on that chair, and close your eyes."

Erza did as she was told, Kakashi then pulled out some ninja wire and tied her arms and legs to the chair.

"W-wait! What are you doing to me!?"

Kakashi kept smirking under his mask, "Don't worry, I'm gonna take care of you... he he he..." then he pulled out a summoning scroll and activated the seal, there was a puff of smoke and the items were revealed, a paint brush, some cream, a rubber duck, a camera, and a ball gag. Then he put the ball gag in his mask.

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

 _Two hours later_

Kakashi pulled the ball gag out of his mouth, then he untied Erza, "So, was it as good for you as it was for me?"

Erza shivered, "Y-yes?"

Kakashi eye-smiled, "Looks like someone wants seconds! Don't move, I'm gonna put the ball back in my mouth!"

 _'Sniff ... why ... why me!?'_

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

Kakashi and Erza were now sitting on the sofa, they had enjoyed their day together. Well... at least Kakashi enjoyed the day.

Then, sounds started coming from the chimney. A fat man in a red suit falls into the fire. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Please help me, my money maker's burning! Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Kakashi blinked, Erza blinked, then they grabbed the man and tied him to a chair after putting out the fire.

"Wait! What are you doing to me!? Don't you know who I am!?"

Kakashi smirked, "Oh I know exactly who you are... Erza, fetch me my ball gag... he's gonna lead us right to the one piece."

Then he put the ball gag into his mask, _'I just love Christmas'._

Erza also pulled out her sword, "You're also gonna tell me why I didn't get those swords I ordered, when I was still in that tower."

Santa gulped when they pulled out the rubber ducks.

 **END**

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

 _ **A.N: And they lived happily ever after... well, AFTER they found the one piece that is...Ho! Ho! Ho!**_


	26. Kakashi's reasons

_**Kakashi's reasons**_

 _A hangover:_

Eight hours after their meeting time, Kakashi arrived, his feet were wobbling and he was stumbling.

" YOU'RE LATE!" Naruto screamed at his sensie.

" We- _HIC_!-well... Ya' _HIC_! See Naruto, there was this- _hic_!- party last night at the bar, I do- _hic_!-dont remember his name...but the -hic!- party was awehome! _HIC_! I'm totally wasthated! Woooho!" He pulled out a bottle of sake from his pants and gulped it down, "Y- _hic_!-you understand right!?"

Naruto had a furious look on his face, then he ran off.

Sakura looked disappointed at Kakashi, "Sensie! How could you say that to him!?"

"Wh- _hic_!-what !? I'm telling the truth..."

" Sensie... sigh...Naruto's birthday was last week...and you didn't even show up."

Kakashi looked at her, then back at the expensive bottle of sake. 'Then, which party was _I_ at!?'

Back at the bar, little Hanabi was stuck in a sticky situation, "SOMEONE HELP! A man put me in my birthday cake! Then he peed on me! I'm stuck! Someone!..."

Kakashi shook his head, 'It probably wasn't someone important.'

 _Lost my glasses:_

Kakashi arrived on time or at least that's what he thinks, "Ha! I'm on time today, SUCK IT! SAKURA! " while he did his victory dance, Sasuke kicked his shin.

"Owwww! What the hell!? Who kicks people on their shins!? Dammit Sasuke! God it hurts!"

"Kakashi, do you know what day it is?"

"Saturday?"

" Yes... Saturday... now, tell me which month it is..."

"Ja...Sep... no,...um...January?"

Sasuke smiled, "ha ha ha... no...no it isn't, its February." Then he pulled out kunais, "Kakashi, this is gonna hurt you, a lot more than its gonna entertain me..."

"Wait! I ... couldn't find my glasses?"

" You know what... I take it back, this WILL entertain me as much as its gonna hurt you."

 _Stuck in traffic:_

Finally two hours after the meeting time, Kakashi arrived.

" YOU'RE LATE!" Sakura screamed at her sensie.

"Well you see, I couldn't find my car keys so I had trouble getting here." said Kakashi.

"YOU DONT HAVE A CAR DAMMIT!"

"Exactly."

This made Sakura pull her hair out.

 _ **END**_


	27. Stupid techniques

_**Stupid techniques**_

The guys from fairy tail and the leaf village were competing to see who can do the most ridiculous technique.

" First up, Lucy!"

Lucy stepped up and pulled out a key, "Open! Gate of the white doggy! Plue!" A white snowman-like thing appeared, it was shaking and the only thing it could do would be walking on two legs and walking on four legs.

"Good Good...now get off the stage, next up, we have Kakashi!"

"..."

"Um...Kakashi is up next!"

"..."

"Will Kakashi please step on the stage..."

"..."

"...Okay...moving on, Levy!"

The blue haired bookworm came on the stage and pulled out her magic pen/wand?

"Oh yeah! Levy~" two anonymous voices screamed.

"Time for me to shine! I'll start wit- "

"Ohhh, time's up!"

"What!? But I haven't even done anyth-"

"Yeah yeah whatever, next up! Naruto!'

Naruto ran up the stage and formed a hand sign. "Sexy Justsu!"

There was a puff of smoke and on the spot that Naruto was standing was now a blond girl with three whisker marks on her cheek, she was also naked and covered by a thin layer of smoke.

"Ooooooooohhhhh yeaaaaaaahhhh!" Everyone including Erza, Gray and Kakashi had blood running down their nose. Hinata had a dark aura around her, she didn't like it when Naruto showed that to other people, 'He told me it was just for my eyes to see!' Hinata jumped on the stage grabbed Naruto and dashed off.

"Well... that was...interesting, next we have Gajeel!"

Gajeel stepped on the stage and crossed his arms, then, "Iron Dragon's! IRON POLE!" He made an iron pole appear on the stage, at which he started grinding his body against and even started taking his clothes off.

Seeing this upset Gray. "GOD DAMMIT! THAT'S MY ACT!" He then stormed off followed by Juvia.

After Gajeel was done, Lee and Gai stepped on the stage, they were wearing white ballerina dresses and had white swans attached to their crotch area, "OK Lee! Time to show these people the power of...YOOOOOOUUUTHHHH!"

That was when Neji had his first seizure.

After their performance, Natsu stepped on the stage, "I'M FIRED UP NOW! FIRE DRAGON'S! FLAMING! DILDOOOOOOO!" Natsu held a red dildo and set it on fire, it looked like a light-saber from star wars, but it was actually just a flaming dildo.

" Hahahhahaha! Beat that you Lazy Bastards!" Natsu swung the lightsab- I mean Dildo around a few times and jumped off of the stage.

"Lastly we have, Sakura!"

Sakura stepped on the stage and was about to do a technique when suddenly, everyone started clapping as if she were some hero.

"Wooohooo! Yeaaaaaah! That's amazing! She doesn't even have to try! SAKURA! SAKURA! SAKURA!..."

"LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A WINNER! SAKURA WINS BY A LANDSLIDE! WHOOOPIE!"

and so, Sakura was the winner because she doesn't have to do anything to win a competition for useless techniques, her presence alone is enough to win.

And she lived happily ever after. Oh and the judge were the cats and frogs along with that small dog Kakashi always summons.

 _ **END**_


	28. The lesson of the day

**The lesson of the day**

Naruto Uzumaki was running as fast as his legs could carry him to the Uchiha compound, towards Sasuke's room. Only minutes ago he had received an urgent message through carrier pigeon from his good friend Sasuke, and considering how horrible the handwriting was, it was most definitely serious, when he was only a few feet away from the bedroom door, Naruto reached into his ninja pouch and pulled out a Kunai.

He let out a piercing shriek as he leaped into the air and simply kicked down the door with all his might, Naruto raised his kunai and charged into the room shouting, "ALRIGHT, YOU SONS OF BITCHES, YOU BETTER GET YOUR GODDAMN DIRTY HANDS OFF OF MY FRIEND OR I'LL-"

Naruto realized he was pointing the tip of his kunai right against Sasuke's forehead. "Oh...hey, Sasuke..."

"J-JEEZUS!" Sasuke cried, snatching the kunai from Naruto, "You gotta be careful with this thing, for god's sake!"

Naruto tried to keep himself from feeling overwhelmingly embarrassed by continuing to act calm and collected. "So," he asked, putting his hands on his waist, "What seems to be the problem here? You called me and told me that you were under attack..."

Sasuke nodded. "I am!"

"Who's attacking you?!"

Sasuke ran over to the large, ten-foot-tall wardrobe behind him, and opened it. Naruto's mouth fell agape, and all of the color drained from his face. Inside the wardrobe was an immense collection of all things Itachi: Itachi posters, Itachi stickers, handmade Itachi dolls, Itachi DVDs, Itachi masks, Itachi video games, Itachi voice recordings, strands of Itachi's hair, Itachi's underwear, Itachi mint dispensers, and even an Itachi hug-pillow. Streams of tears began to pour down Sasuke's cheeks. Naruto just felt nauseated.

"...MY OWN BROTHER IS TRYING TO SEDUCE ME INTO COMMITTING ONE OF THE MOST FOULEST OF TABOOS!" The poor black-haired boy screamed, throwing his hands into the air.

"He put all this stuff in here...?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke shook his head. "No. I did."

"THEN HOW THE HELL IS HE SEDUCING YOU IF YOU'RE THE ONE BEING A FUCKING PERVERT?!"

"No...no, you see, it's like this, Naruto," Sasuke began to explain, "I've...I've had a huge brother complex for quite a while now. It grows stronger every day. I try to fight it, and fight it I do, but it always bests me in the end. I'm afraid that if I do not rid myself of this complex, and find love with someone of my own age group and not related to me, I might possibly give in completely to my forbidden desires and...and do something horrible to my beloved big brother Itachi..."

"...You mean you'll rape him? You bastard!" Naruto exclaimed.

"GGGGGODDAMMIT, NARUTO, I WAS TRYING TO AVOID HAVING TO SAY THAT," Sasuke snapped, but he cooled down again almost instantly, "...But, yes, I'm afraid I might rape him if I do not get help soon...and it'll be just as bad even if it was consensual sex, too! It also doesn't help that I'm gay for anti-socials, either..." Sasuke fell to his knees, and buried his face into his palms as he began to sob quietly. Naruto just realized how weary and restless Sasuke looked; he probably hadn't gotten a wink of sleep for days now. He had even lost some color to his skin, despite being as pale as he already was.

Naruto cringed; he was really glad that he didn't have an emotionless antisocial brother to lust after. He sighed.

Holding out his hand for Sasuke, Naruto said, "Fine then, Sasuke...I'll help you escape from this monstrous brother complex that has taken over your life..."

Sasuke raised his head. He sniffled, and as he reached out to grab Naruto's hand, a smile graced his lips and he replied, "R...R...Really...? You'll help me, Fishcake...?"

Naruto nodded. "Yes...but only if you promise to never call me 'Fishcake' ever again...or I'll rip your balls off and eat them..."

"Oh? Is that a threat...or a promise?" Sasuke smirked.

Naruto flashed an angry glare. "Sasuke..."

"Fine, fine...I was just kidding...sorta..."

Naruto sighed, and then said, "Okay, so let's get this thing started already...we'll perform a few tests first to see just how bad off you really are..."

"...T-Tests?"

Sasuke fiddled nervously with his fingers as he sat at the small white table. Sitting across from him was Naruto, now dressed in a white lab coat. In front of him were two identical file folders. The entire room was dark except for the small nightlamp that Naruto had placed upon the table. Sasuke gulped. This was the first test of his apparent breaking free from his almighty brother complex. It was all or nothing now. Sasuke gulped again.

Naruto opened the two folders, and took out a sheet of paper from the folder on the right; it was a photo of Anko in a bathing suit. Then, Naruto removed a paper from the folder on the left; it was a photo of Itachi in a bathing suit. Naruto held both of them up so Sasuke could clearly see them. His s immediately darted for the Itachi picture.

"Alright...now tell me...which one of these two makes you harder, you fuckin' pervert?" Naruto asked sternly.

Sasuke thought for a moment. "Umm...Ita-" he began to say.

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" Naruto snapped. Without warning, he suddenly smacked Sasuke hard against the forehead with a rosary.

"Ooow! What the hell did you do that for?!" Sasuke cried, rubbing his wounded forehead.

Naruto did not reply.

Sasuke scowled; he was already beginning to regret accepting Suzaku's help. "Fine...I choose Ank-"

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

"...OWW!"

In the end, Sasuke lost consciousness before even getting a full answer out...and even then Naruto was still hitting him for the hell of it...

The next test involved filling in the blanks at the end of certain sentences to continue to evaluate Sasuke's sick mind.

Naruto - "Alright, here's the first one: Your favorite color is..."

Sasuke, grinning perversely - "...Pink, which is the same color as Itachi's's nipples."

Naruto - "THE POWER OF CHRIST-" (Pulls out the rosary)

Sasuke - "STOP THAT!" (Snatches the rosary away angrily; Naruto pouts)

Naruto - "Your favorite hobby is..."

Sasuke, being truthful - "...Jerking off while watching hidden video tapes of Itachi bathing."

Naruto - "THE POWER OF KEN MASTERS COMPELS YOU!" (Karate-chops Sasuke on the head)

Sasuke - "I...I SHOULDA SEEN THAT COMING...I THINK!"

Naruto - "Your favorite thing about your big brother is..."

Sasuke, hesitating - "Uh...her...his beautiful, experienced eyes?"

Naruto - "..."

Sasuke - "..."

Naruto - "...COMPELS YOU!" (Hits Sasuke on the head again)

Sasuke - "GAAAAHH...!"

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

"...Where are we going now?" Sasuke asked as he walked alongside a rather giddy Naruto, holding an icebag to his face after all of those unnecessarily violent beatings. The two boys had left the Uchiha compounds and were now heading into the city. Naruto couldn't keep himself from beaming as he walked, an obvious bounce in his step. He had really enjoyed smacking Sasuke around earlier.

"It's the last test! We're going to a strip bar, of course! We'll make you get a boner over sexy buxom women with fake tits just like every other normal boy that exists in the universe!" the blond-haired boy replied.

Sasuke gasped in horror. "W-WHAT?! WHY THE HELL WOULD WE GO TO ONE OF THOSE FILTHY, PERVERTED PLACES?! I AM A GENTLEMAN, YOU SHOULD KNOW!"

"Heh...you're in love with your own big brother and you claim to be a gentleman? Funny shit. Besides, where else would we go to pick up chicks?" Naruto asked.

"...The only girls I know that would go to a strip club are Ino and Sakura..."

"Well...I'm sure you'll enjoy it anyway..."

Sasuke shrugged. "...If you say so..."

"...I do."

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

Now late at night, around 8:22 p.m...

"I still can't believe you tore off that pink-nippled guy's pants in front of everyone like that, you bastard!"

"But...but...but he looked just like Itachi! I...I couldn't help it! Really!"

"He was a cross-dresser, retard!"

"...I didn't know men that old could still have delicious pink nipples like that...Sakura seemed happy about it, though..."

"DAMN YOU!"

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

By the time that Sasuke and Naruto had finally gotten back to the Uchiha Compound, they were already riddled with bruises and scars, willingly applied by both the bouncers and the sluts that worked at the club. Sasuke was still clutching the the cross-dresser's underwear, and he shoved it against his nose for a few seconds before Naruto snatched it away and threw it into the trash. This had not been the best of days for either of the teenage boys.

"Look, man, I'm done with this," Naruto grunted, wiping some blood off his bottom lip, "I'm going back to my room, take a nice long shower, and then I'm gonna crawl into bed fuck Hinata, and fall asleep, not even once bothering to think about you and your goddamn brother complex...!"

Sasuke shrieked like a little girl. "NO! NO, YOU CAN'T, NARUTO-KUN! I NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER! PLEASE HELP ME! I DON'T WANNA RAPE MY BELOVED ITACHI! I DON'T WANNA! HE'S ALREADY TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH, I TELL YOU!" He grabbed onto Naruto's arm and pulled on it as if he were some little kid.

"G-Get off me...! Bro-con!" Naruto cried.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!"

Suddenly, Sasuke realized something that he should have done from the very beginning. "THE POWER OF MY SHARINGAN COMPELS YOU!"

"HA! MY COMPELLING POWER IS MUCH STRONGER!" Naruto gloated.

Sasuke scowled. "Curses...!" His plan had been a failure before it even began.

"...Sasuke-kun?"

Both Sasuke and Naruto gasped, and glanced over towards the hall entrance, where Itachi was standing. A harsh, cold breeze suddenly seemed to pass over Sasuke's head, despite them being inside a building. Itachi had already changed into his pajamas, and as he stared at him, even Naruto had to admit that he was actually kinda cool for an antisocial, emotionless, murderer.

"I heard you yelling, Sasuke-kun," Itachi said in a soft voice, "Is everything alright?"

Sasuke was shaking all over as he nodded his head; his eyes kept looking up and down his brother's body, taking it all in with lustful desire. "Y-Y-Yes, big b-brother...e-everything's alright...you can go to sleep...I-I'll be in b-bed soon..."

Itachi smiled warmly, and at that moment Sasuke felt like he could die with no regrets. "Okay, Sasuke-kun...good night...good night to you too, Naruto-san..."

"G-Good night, Itachi-san..." Naruto replied, his cheeks glowing bright red. He was actually beginning to understand just what it was that caused Sasuke to fall in love with his own brother.

As soon as Itachi had walked out of view, both Sasuke and Naruto looked at one another. It was now that Naruto finally noticed the trail of blood pouring out of Sasuke's nostrils.

"I think I'm..." Naruto began, breathless for some reason, but Sasuke nodded to show he understood.

"...It's impossible to escape these feelings. I told you that much. He has the gift." Sasuke stated matter-of-factly.

Naruto sighed. "...I see...he truly is wonderful...maybe even more so than Hinata...now I'm the same as you, bastard..."

"Yes...I have a friend who shares my suffering..."

"Shut up...I feel especially angry at those fuckers upstairs for doing this to me..."

"...Shall we, then?" Sasuke shrugged.

"...We shall..." Naruto nodded in agreement.

Taking in deep breaths, the two young men then threw heads back and furiously screamed up to the heavens above:

"HOW DARE YOU TEMPT US WITH A PERFECT ANTISOCIAL SEXY DEVIL SUCH AS HIM, YOU BASTARD GODS! HOW DARE YOU...!"

And the lesson of the day is...eh...um... know what? I'll tell you at the next exciting episode of Dragon Ball Z!

 **END**


	29. Shizune is gay

**Shizune is gay**

Shizune was busy working on a new thesis for a local science magazine when she heard a tiny pebble hit her window.

"SHIZUNE! HEY, SHIZUNE! I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOU DAMN PUSSY-EATER!" It was Gray, and Shelby was most likely with him.

Shizune scowled and cursed under her breath; she was getting sick and tired of him trying to force her to take responsibility for a child she didn't even WANT to have. Swinging open the windows, she looked down and saw Gray waving up to her. Just as Shizune had expected, little Shelby was standing beside him, clutching tightly on the sleeve of his shirt. Shizu sighed in annoyance.

"...What do you want, you bastard?" Shizune snarled.

"I think it's only fair that YOU spend some time with OUR daughter for once!" Gray replied loudly.

"She's not my daughter!" Shizu snapped back.

"What are you talking about?! Of course she is! The tests don't lie!"

"She's not my daughter! She's not my daughter! I'll never love her! I never even WANTED any kids...!"

"You know, the whole 'in denial' thing is alright for the beginning stages of pregnancy, but, babe, we're way beyond that now...you should really stop being a prick and just accept the fact that we'll probably have to get married and raise Shelby together...as her parents!"

Shizune clutched her head in her hands as she screamed, "NO! NO! I don't want to be with a man! I'm a lesbian! A lesbian, I tell you! Leave me alone, you disgusting man-pig!"

"Lesbian or not, it still doesn't change anything...you gave birth to this child, and you have to take some responsibility for her!"

"...LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Shizune shrieked. She slammed the windows closed and that was that. Gray shook his head as he let loose a heavy sigh; there was just no getting through to her. Little Shelby thought about everything that just happened for a few moments.

"...Daddy, are lesbians always this crazy?" She asked innocently.

Gray suddenly realized something as he thought back to all of the lesbians and bisexual women he had come across in his life: Erza and her violent temper, Bisca and the fact she tried shooting him once, Mira and those inane smiles of hers, Canna going bat-shit insane after finding out people were giving her orange juice the whole time, and of course Shizune and the many times she tried to poison everyone up along with herself. Apparently, women go crazy whenever someone takes a peek at them. Gray made a mental note to be careful about that next time.

"Yes, honey...all lesbians are this crazy, so for daddy's sake, please don't become one, okay?"

"I'll try not to..." Shelby replied, shrugging.

Gray sighed. "That's all we can ever hope for..."

 **END**

 **AN: Yes, Shelby is an OC**


	30. And that's how I met your mother Shelby

**And that's how I met your mother Shelby**

It was while shoving his thick, sticky penis deeply into Shizune's vagina on the kitchen floor that Gray realized something very, very important.

"...Wait, you said 'no', didn't you?"

"Yes, Gray, I did, " Shizune breathed, her face red and her eyes brimming with tears, "I...I said 'no'...! I said it a thousand times over until my throat was sore, but you...but you just wouldn't listen!"

Gray thought for a moment. "So, then...I'm raping you? Is that what's happening here? We're not having consented sex? I'm just raping you? Is that really the truth...?!"

"Y-Yes, Gray...I'm being taken advantage of by the very man I trusted my life with...that's you, by the way..."

"Oh...I see..." Gray stared at Shizune, then at his dick, then back at Shizune again. He shrugged.

"...Gray-kun?" Shizune whimpered in hopes the teen had finally seen the light.

"Ah, well...it's just like they say; the closer they are to you, the deeper they'll penetrate into your anus!" Gray chuckled, and he went straight back to thrusting harder than ever. It hurt so badly for the poor woman because they decided to skip on the lubricant.

Shizune cursed under her breath; she was really tired of being raped all the time. Not only had her father and older sister taken cruelly advantage of her, but even that kindly old man who ran the candy store molested her once or twice. She never considered herself to be a whore, but she didn't bother putting up much of a fight when it happened, and even then she still kind of enjoyed the feeling.

'Should I be ashamed or turned on?' she wondered, '...Ah, what the hell, I'll just feel both...'

 **END**

 **AN: Now you know how Shelby was created.**


	31. When you're gay for Itachi

**When you're gay for Itachi**

When Itachi Uchiha climbed out of bed that morning, he was a bit offended to find his brother Sasuke lying on the floor, completely nude and tied up in a big red ribbon. It was kinda gross.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BROTHER!" Sasuke shouted at the top of his lungs, "WANNA OPEN UP YOUR 'PRESENT'?! HMM?! HMM?! HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...?! IT'S FULL OF SOMETHING DELICIOUS!"

"...It's my birthday today?" Itachi asked.

Sasuke nodded. "Yup! I'm your 'present', just in case you didn't get that little joke of mine earlier..."

"Damn," Itachi muttered as he let loose a heavy sigh, "Where does the time go...?"

"Well, time's still passin', but it might stop for a few seconds if you'd just come over here, and unwrap me! I'm all greased up just for you today, my love!" Sasuke exclaimed, but Itachi simply walked past him to get to his closet. As Itachi dug around for some weekend attire, .Sasuke continued to speak.

"So, uh...are you gonna untie me? I mean...this shit is cutting into my skin, and I'm stuck having to rub my calves together to keep it from tearing, and I think I'm getting a rash...I'm serious...I mean, I snuck into your room in the middle of the night, stripped down, tied myself up (which was quite difficult, by the way), and doused myself in butter all so you could make sweet gay love to me this morning! Even if today is your birthday, this is more for me than it is for you! Are you listening to me, Itachi Uchiha?! Are you?! ...Hey, Itachi, c'mon...you know you want my sweet, sticky body...you pervert...c'mon...I'm circumcised...does that turn you on? It turns me on...it sure does...c'mon...make love to me...rape me or something, for god's sake...I don't care...just shove your old, flabby little wiener up my a-hole, bitch! I WANT IT! I FUCKIN' SHOT A DUCK TO GET THIS FAR, AND I AIN'T GONNA FAIL NOW! I WANT TO BE SODOMIZED TO THE EXTREME!"

Itachi tossed on his favorite 'Uchiha' T-Shirt, as well as some slightly torn blue jeans. He yawned loudly and picked his nose as he headed for the door. The booger he pulled out was promptly flicked against Sasuke's forehead.

"Hmm...maybe I'll have some birthday pancakes or something..." Itachi muttered under his breath before exiting the room, leaving Sasuke tied up and naked on the floor.

Sasuke scowled. "Fuckin' bastard...hopefully Gray will walk by...maybe I can seduce him..."

Just as he had hoped, Gray fullbuster walked by, and he glanced inside the room to see Sasuke just lying there, grinning perversely.

"...Hey, Gray-kun...wanna have an early birthday present...?" Sasuke asked with a smirk.

Gray quickly ran away without a word, and Sasuke cursed under his breath.

 **END**


	32. Hinata's Tits

**Hinata's Tits**

"Natsu...I've been really scared to 'accidentally' walk in on Hinata in the shower these days..."

"What? Really? Why?"

"It's just...it's just...nah, I can't tell you..."

"Huh? Why not?!"

"Because...you'd think I was stupid..."

"Oh, please, Naruto! There's no way I can go and think bad about you when it's already been proven in the canon that you're a total nimrod! Now...what's your problem with seeing naked lady flesh?"

"...They follow me..."

"...What?"

"The nipples."

"The...the nipples?"

"The nipples. They watch me. Whenever Hinata's eyes move, her nipples follow..."

"...What the fuck?!"

"It's like she has four eyes..."

"Oh my god...are you high or something?!"

"No! No, I'm not, Natsu! I saw those plump little titties staring right back at me! It was like...bloodlust..."

"You know...thinking about it...and this is Hinata we're talking about here...it DOES kinda make some sense..."

"Yeah, it does...BUT HOW?!"

"I DUNNO!"

"I can't even sleep anymore without feeling like a pair of living nipples are staring at me...!"

"Yeah! Kinda reminds me of how Lisana seems to morph into a snail every full moon..."

"...What?"

 **END**


	33. Deleted scene online

**Deleted scene online**

Naruto was reading through 'The Tale of a Gutsy Ninja' for the fifth time in a row when Natsu came bursting into the room, carrying a large assortment of various laser-based weaponry. There was a Cactuar keychain, too.

"Uh...what're you doing, Natsu?" Naruto asked rather languidly.

"I'M HERE TO BLOW SHIT UP, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT BY THE TIME I'M DONE, ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE UNHAPPY!" Natsu said back. He had a mad look in his eyes.

"Aren't they usually?"

Natsu's facial expression suddenly became very serious. "Yes...yes, they do."

"...Do?"

"Are."

"You meant to say 'are', not 'do'."

"That's why I said 'are' right after I said 'do'...it was a mistake in dialogue..."

"Sure...whatever you say..."

At that moment, a large shark came flying through the window, and it chomped down on Naruto's head.

As he rolled around on the floor, flailing his arms like a doll, Naruto screamed, "AHHH! GOOD GODDEN' GRAVY! A SHARK! A SHARK HAS BITTEN ONTO MY HEAD! Huh...I think it's a tiger shark...AND THERE ARE BABY SHARKS IN HERE, TOO! THEY'RE SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE! AUGH!"

"DAMMIT! THE WEATHERMAN FUCKIN' LIED TO ME! HE MENTIONED NOTHING OF RANDOM SHARK ATTACKS THIS MORNING!" Natsu roared in fury. He quickly unhooked a shotgun from his belt, and fired several shots into the shark's face. However, its grip remained firm upon Naruto's cranium.

"YOU GOTTA SHOOT IT'S WEAK SPOT! IT'S WEAK SPOT!" Naruto cried. A large, red X was evident on the dorsal fin of the shark, so Natsu figured that that must have been the 'weak spot'. However, there was no way a machinegun, a shotgun, a pistol, an RPG, or even a claymore sword could hope to pierce such soft cartilage. So...Natsu had to get a totally different weapon, one with rank-A piercing power!

"SAKURA...I NEED YOUR HAIR SPIKES!" Natsu bellowed as he immediately confronted the pink-haired girl in the hallway. For some reason, a series of cross-shaped symbols had formed vertically across Sukura's wide forehead, and her skin was now a darkish hue. None of that mattered to Natsu though, of course.

"...Why do you need my hair spikes? They cost $4.15 for each goddamn spike, you motherfucker!" berated Sakura, completely unaware of her own Noah powers emerging. Her butt cheeks seemed to be swelling outwards as well.

"I'll sing you 'Chocolate Rain' in your sleep if you do this for me..."

"OMG! LIEK...O RLY?! I *HEART* DAT SONG!"

"YAY RLY!"

Sakura reached up, and tore off three of her hair spikes, handing them to Natsu. "Bring them back when you're done, then..." she told him. Natsu nodded, and quickly dashed back to Naruto's room. The blond-haired boy was no longer moving, although the shark was still happily chewing on his head. A puddle of blood had formed underneath them.

"DIE, YOU ECONOMICALLY-CHALLENGED BEAST! DIE!" Natsu plunged the tips of the hair spikes into the shark's dorsal fin, and in that moment, the shark collapsed onto its side, totally dead as a doornail. Sitting up, Naruto wiped the blood off of his face as he let out a sigh of relief. Natsu carelessly threw the hair spikes over his shoulder, landing them right in the recycling bin.

"Thank god you saved me right before I was about to die, Natsu!" Naruto stated, "We better have Hinata hurry up with that fence made out of grated cheese to ensure such a disaster like this does not take place again!"

"Good idea! ...But first..."

"Hmm?"

"TAKE OUT YOUR FANCY SILVERWARE, WE'RE HAVING FRIED SHARK FOR DINNER BITCHES! "

Naruto- "Really?... ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME IF I WANT TO EAT A FUKING SHARK!?"

Natsu nodded his head.

Naruto responded to this by shoving a fork into Natsu's crotch with a big smile on his face.

 **END**


	34. Is Haku a girl

**Is Haku a girl**

When Haku opened her bedroom door that night, she was less than surprised to find Gray standing there with little baby Shelby in his arms.

"Haku," Gray said in a serious tone, "Shelby is hungry. She needs breast milk..."

Haku shrugged. "So? It's not my problem!"

"Take out your man tits and let her suck on them!" Gray ordered at the top of his lungs.

Haku then proceeded to smack Gray across the face. "I'M A GIRL DAMM YOU!"

Gray began to cry, and Shelby soon joined him.

 **END**


	35. Gray likes big butts!

**Gray likes big butts!**

"Sakura, if you were able to have a Sharingan, would you-"

"On my ass."

"...What?"

"Place the teacup...on my ass. Do it right now, Gray."

"Uh...the teacup? This teacup...right here?"

"Yes."

"You are talking about the teacup I am holding in my hands...AT THIS VERY SECOND?"

"Yup."

"...Very well. If you spill my tea, you die."

"Ah, yeah."

"Whoa..."

"Heh."

"Whoooooa..."

"Heh heh."

"This...this is..."

"Heh heh heh."

"HOLY CRAP, YOU HAVE A FAAAAAAT ASS, SAKURA!"

"I know! You like it, don't ya?"

"It's like...it's like you got an entire desk built back there! No, a better description would be...it's like the back of a fucking pick-up truck! How does it fit on a toilet seat without slipping off the sides? I mean, damn...not even Sir Mix-a-Lot would be able to withstand THAT booty! Damn, bitch! What you packing back there? M-80s? Nah...not even explosives could blow up a butt THIS big! I...I can't look away from the bootiliciousness!"

"Uh-huh...keep talkin', big boy..."

"It's so squishy and soft...and it tastes like corned beef if you suckle on it! If I slap it, it bounces!"

"DON'T TOUCH IT! YOU CAN LOOK...BUT NO TOUCHIE!"

"You may have the fattest ass in the world, Sakura, but we still love it anyways!"

"Tee-hee!"

"...Now if only we can get that fat to distribute throughout the rest of your body..."

"What?"

"Nothing! I said nothing..."

 **END**


	36. Lucy is pregnant

**Lucy is pregnant**

"Dude, I...I got something to tell ya, and I doubt you'll like it..."

"What is it, Naruto?"

Naruto spun around, and pointed over in the direction of Lucy Heartfelia, who was busy greedily shoving handfuls of french fries into her mouth. As of this point, she must have weighed at least 500 pounds. Her three chins wobbled up and down with every bite she took. Her immense dome of a belly hung so far between her thick thunder thighs that it nearly touched the floor. All of the wizards that passed by gave her weird, almost disgusted, looks. Of course, the blond-haired former heiress was too distracted with stuffing herself to notice.

"Your girlfriend," Naruto continued, his face pale, "I'm afraid she might eat me..."

Natsu threw his head back and let out a hearty laugh. "Ha ha...oh, Naruto. _If_ , but most likely _when_ , she begins to require the taste of human flesh to satisfy her ever-growing hunger...I'll make sure she eats _you_ first!"

"Ah, thanks, Natsu - Wait, what the fuck, man?!"

"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"C'mon, Natsu! Don't do this to me!" Naruto begged, "She's in the frickin' SUMO CLUB (the only member, in fact) for crying out loud! If she goes after me to feast, she'll tear me apart and suck the meat off my bones through a goddamn straw! I don't wanna be killed by that half-ton behemoth!"

Natsu glared ominously at the blond-haired young man. "...I'd advise you not to call her a 'half-ton behemoth' in front of me..."

"R...Right..." Truth be told, Naruto was even more frightened by Natsu than he was by the waddling ball of fat that was now Lucy.

"She is a perfect, busty goddess...and you will treat her as such!" Natsu barked. He was rather unwilling to accept his girlfriend's incredible obesity, so he continually told himself that she was a 'busty goddess'. The poor guy was only fooling himself, though. Right?

"Okay, okay!"

"Also, don't touch her super-sexy, cellulite-layered, globular-sized ass cheeks, either...those are mine, and mine alone!"

'WAIT...SO HE DOES ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT SHE'S AS HUGE AS CRAP?!' Naruto thought, bewildered. He never knew that the pink-haired boy was actually an FA.

Natsu sighed, looking as if he saw Naruto as nothing more than an annoying obstacle to overcome. "Anyway...let's change the subject...where did Hinata go with Juvia?" he asked.

"They went to Michael Jackson's funeral..." Naruto replied as he began to open his vanilla pudding cup.

"...Going to his funeral, huh? Cheeky little bitches, they are..."

"Mmm-hmm...they were going to go to Itachi's funeral after MJ's burial, and then have lunch at Mira's..."

"Mira's, huh...those bitches!"

"Yeah, I know... so, anyway I hear Lucy was pregnant...looks like you might be expecting a baby soon, right?"

Natsu nodded his head, "Pregnant... yes... expecting a baby... also yes...soon?... no. She's been pregnant for TWO DAYS!"

 **END**


	37. When you break a sake bottle

**When you break a sake bottle**

"Hey, Granny!"

Tsunade Senju glanced away from her clipboard and saw Naruto standing in front of her, waving her ridiculously large sake bottle around. Sakura's bleeding, smoldering corpse was lying a few feet behind him.

"What happens if I break this, Granny Tsunade?" he asked.

Tsunade shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno. Why don't we find out?"

"YES!" Naruto smashed the bottle against the tiled floor, turning it into a hundred pieces of trash. Particles of the bottle were strewn all over the once-clean floor.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, Tsunade felt a tingling sensation begin to crawl up along her arms. Her white skin became a sickly shade of green. Her lips were drained of color, leaving them as white as snow. Pulsating forms started to all over her wide forehead. It became increasingly difficult to breath. Every nerve in her body was screaming in horrible, mind-numbing pain. Something began moving erratically about within the confines of her belly. Her eyes started to bulge outwards. Her fingernails shattered apart, and her fingers fell off. Her long blonde hair turned black. Blood poured out of her nostrils in heavy streams. Giant, feathered wings sprouted from her back. She opened her mouth to scream, but no words would come out; only a low, horrific moan that was unlike anything Naruto had ever heard in his entire life.

"Jesus Christ...for some reason, I figured this was exactly what would happen...and I was right!"

Naruto quickly ran off without another word. He figured it would be best not to mention this to the others.

Three minutes later, Tsunade blew apart in a horrific explosion of blood and guts...

 **END**


	38. Orochimaru's cooking class

**Orochimaru's cooking class**

"WELCOME TO...'HOW TO MAKE FLAN' 101!"

Kakashi, and Erza had no idea how they ended up in this situation. When they woke up early that morning, they found themselves standing in front of individual kitchen-top counters with their feet chained to the floor. None of them recalled ever moving from their beds last night, but somehow this had happened. Even worse, standing before them atop of a brightly-lit stage with his own cooking set, was Orochimaru in an apron and chef's hat. Kakashi, and Erza were terribly frightened.

"Now, before we begin," Orochimaru stated, "Does anyone have any questions?"

Kakashi raised his hand.

"Yes, Kakashi-kun?"

"What's going on here, Orochimaru? Why are we doing this?"

The snake-summoner was silent for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then, he slammed his palm as hard as he could onto the table. "Did you just ask me why we're doing this?" his voice was shaking.

"Uh..."

"That is what you asked me, correct? WHY'RE WE DOING THIS?"

"Y-Yes! I did!"

Orochimaru snapped his fingers, and a small panel in the ceiling opened to reveal a sniper rifle, and Kakashi was shot directly in his left leg.

"OH, HOLY MOTHER OF SHARINGAN!"

"Anymore questions?"

"OHH..OH...OH SHIT...OH CRAP! IT HURTS LIKE FRICKING HELL! YOU...YOU JUST HAD ME SHOT IN THE LEG, DIDN'T YOU, YOU GODDAMN LITTLE FUCKER?"

"No? Alright, then! Everyone, get out your ingredients from underneath the counter and we'll get started!"

"I'M CRYING! I'M CRYING! I'M CRYING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING BABY! SHIT! FUCK!"

"First, you set up your oven to the necessary temperature, and then you add a bit of this and a bit of that...and then you mix it together until its become one, and add a few sprinkles of this here..."

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN GIVING REAL INSTRUCTIONS! YOU'RE JUST TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP THE ACTUAL RECIPE FOR FLAN BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WRONG BY ACCIDENT! FUCK, THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD POURING OUT OF MY LEG! ARGGGGGGGH!"

"Oh dear, with all this yelling, I can't teach the class at all."

"THAT'S RIGHT YOU CAN'T! GAAAAAAAAH! MY LEG IS ON FIRE, JUST LIKE MY SOUL!"

"Lenny...Carl...will you two take care of him for me? I'm starting to get a headache because he won't be quiet."

"LENNY? CARL? THE FUCK KIND OF NAMES ARE THOSE? THEY'RE FROM THE SIMPSONS, RIGHT? WAIT A MINUTE, WHY ARE THOSE TWO BIG HAIRY GUYS WEARING ONLY TROUSERS COMING TOWARDS ME? OH GOD...OH GOD! THEY'RE LENNY AND CARL, AREN'T THEY? AREN'T THEY? FUUUUUUUU-"

"Everyone, it's time to have the Flan bake...or cook...or whatever. I don't really care."

"SEE? YOU JUST ADMITTED YOU DON'T CARE! AND...AND...HOLY SHIT, WHY IS LENNY STANDING BEHIND ME, AND WHY DO I FEEL SOMETHING HARD AND LONG GOING INSIDE MY ANUS?"

Erza raised her hand.

Orochimaru pointed at her with his middle finger. "Yes, Erza?"

"Can I...can I go home? Please? I don't like Flan and seeing the boy I like being raped by two men is both turning me on and making me queasy."

"Of course you may leave. Feel better soon."

"WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK?" Kakashi screeched, "SHE CAN GO HOME JUST BY ASKING AND YET I GET SHOT AND RAPED BY SOME WOOKIE-MAN? GODDAMN YOU ALL TO THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL!"

And thus, Orochimaru's first class was a success.

 **END**


	39. The Deleted scene of Scooby-Doo

**The Deleted scene of Scooby-Doo**

The club was stuffed into a tacky, green van and driving down a lonely road through a misty forest. Yup, nothing foreboding about this place.

"Well, gang," said Natsu, who was driving and wearing a red ascot for some reason, "looks like we're almost to Woodstock! Who's excited?"

"We are..." Kakashi, Naruto, Hinata, Levy McGarden halfheartedly cheered. Truth be told, the only one excited about the trip was Natsu. The guild had provided the tickets for this little venture, and Natsu had insisted on taking everyone else along, much to their chagrin.

"Can we pull over yet? My legs are asleep," complained Kakashi, who was wearing baggy pants and a green shirt. Also, Hinata had a purple dress, Levy was clad in a tacky, orange turtleneck, and Naruto...

"Why the fuck am I dressed as a dog?" deadpanned a rather pissed-off Naruto. "I'm not a freaking furry..."

"I told you guys already. People are gonna wear costumes! Ohhh, I can't wait 'til we get there! We are gonna get so high!" said a grinning Natsu. Everyone else just looked at the Dragon slayer like he had just lost his mind. Which he had.

Suddenly, there was a loud THUD as the van struck something. Hinata screamed like a banshee as Natsu pulled to a stop. The gang filed out of the van to see what they had hit. Naruto took out a flashlight and looked around.

"Oh, my god," said Naruto as his flashlight came across a large shape in front of the van. It was a body. A man's body. Judging by his clothing, Naruto assumed he was a farmer. And the pool of blood around his head assured Naruto that he wouldn't be getting up any time soon.

"EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!" screamed Hinata. "We killed someone! What are we going to do? Do you know what will happen to me in jail? I'll be made into someone's bitch! REPEATEDLY! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, go-"

SLAP!

"Get a hold of yourself, Hinata," Natsu said calmly after bitch-slapping the Hyuuga. She shrank back in fear. Naruto, Kakashi, and Levy all wore faces of complete surprise at his actions.

"Now, everyone, a man has died tonight. It is unknown to us whether he had friends or loved ones waiting for him somewhere. But alas, they will never see him again. So, I purpose we do what is right: give the poor fellow a decent burial out here in the woods. Okay? Everybody got that? Excellent!" Natsu said rather merrily.

Unfortunately for Natsu, Kakashi begged to differ.

"ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. "WE JUST KILLED SOMEBODY! AND YOU EXPECT US TO JUST HIDE HIM AND FORGET ABOUT IT! WHAT THE HELL?"

Levy stepped forward. "I agree with Kakashi. It is better for us to go to the authorities and give ourselves a chance to explain. If we bury the body, we would only be incriminating ourselves even further. Some things shouldn't be kept as secrets."

Natsu seemed to consider this as he turned away from the group, hands behind his back. "Hmm, I suppose you two have a point. Some things shouldn't be kept as secrets. You two would know the best. Am I right?"

Kakashi and Levy appeared to be confused. So did Naruto and Hinata.

"Secrets are bad. Nasty, icky, awful things. It be better if everyone got rid of their secrets, huh? For example, I have a secret of my own. It involves me accidently stumbling across Levy and Kakashi sleeping together in our van, when we were all stranded in that abandoned mansion that one night. Remember that? It was dreadfully cold that night wasn't it? We all went to same room to sleep together? Kakashi went for a drink of water? Levy thought she heard a noise and went to investigate? And it was so scary on the way back, that the two of them decided to keep each company in the van? I recall there being no blankets in the van, so I decided to bring them a blanket. Imagine my surprise, when I saw that the two of them had found another way of keeping themselves warm. Should I tell my secret? I feel that I should. What do you think, Kakashi?" asked Natsu with a smile that could curdle milk.

Kakashi had a rather indistinguishable look on his face. It looked like a combination of anger, embarrassment, and fear. Levy's eyes had widened to the size of baseballs, and were darting back and forth from Natsu to Kakashi. Suddenly, Kakashi spoke to Natsu.

"Secrets are good. Really good. Nothing happened here tonight. Nothing at all."

"Good. Now get me a shovel."

As the five individuals headed towards the back of van, Hinata noticed something.

"Ummmmm... Dragneel-san?"

"Yes, Miss Hyuuga?"

"Just the five of us are on this trip, right?"

"Yes."

"T-T-Then who are they?"

Natsu turned and saw several large figures occupying the empty vehicle. Within moments, the van was roaring away down the road, leaving the club stranded.

"WHO THE FUCK WERE THEY?" yelled a shocked Natsu.

Naruto squinted his eyes. "I don't know, but... it looked like a ninja, a dragon, a zombie, a pirate, and a fairy princess?"

In the van, Kiba, Tenten, Iruka, , and Genma were laughing their heads off.

"ALL RIGHT!" screamed Kiba. "MINOR CHARACTERS GOING TO WOODSTOCK!"

Much partying ensued.

 **END**


	40. Levy's Childhood

_**Levy's Childhood:**_

Levy made her way home in the afternoon sun. As she walked through the crowds, she quickly darted into a nearby convince store. Seconds later, the blue-haired girl emerged holding a plastic bag in one hand.

Almost forgot to get these... she thought to herself.

Soon, Levy reached her house The only one home at the time was her mother; her father was still at work and would not be home for a few hours. She entered the house, said hi to her mom in the living room, went inside her room, locked the door, and drew the blinds. She walked to her desk, making sure to place the bag on her bed, while on the way. The bag's contents spilled out onto the comforter.

Juicy, mouth-watering, red apples.

From a dark corner of the bed, a shadowy claw shot out and grabbed one. Loud, crunching sounds emerged soon after. Levy sat in a small chair at the desk and smiled.

"Go to town," she said without looking over her shoulder. "I'll get you another bag tomorrow."

There was a chuckle in the shadows, and the pale-skinned creature popped another fruit into its toothy maw, chewing in pure bliss.

Levy reached into her bottom desk and pulled out a notebook. It was completely black in color with some white writing in front. Smiling, Levy took out a list in her skirt pocket with several words on it.

Names.

Humming a jaunty she made up on the spot, Levy began to write down a few of the names in the notebook. When she was done, she turned on her T.V. and switched it to the news. A well-dressed gentlemen began to speak.

"We now return you to the scene at hand. What's going on now, Rangiku?" said the man. The scene switched to a young woman standing next to some police officers. A supermarket loomed in the background.

"Thanks, Renji. A local street gang has taken over the store behind me and they are holding everyone inside hostage! Police are attempting to reason with them, but to no avail. The men have stated to start shooting hostages if their demands aren't met. The standoff has been going on for at least-"

Suddenly, there was movement behind her, and several gunshots began to ring out. Everyone ducked. The police rushed into the building. A minute later the reporter was getting a message from her earpiece.

"I've just been told that all of the gang members have simultaneously committed suicide! Apparently, each of the men pulled out their guns and placed them into their mouths! What a shocking turn of-"

Click.

Levy placed the remote on the T.V. and crossed her arms over her chest. She smiled with content.

"Mmmmmmmm... Too easy."

Skipping over to her desk, Levy picked up the notebook and spun in a little circle. She held it close to her heart, like a child with puppy. Levy let out a tiny giggle.

"Who needs the powers of a god, when you already are one?" she said cheerily. The creature on the bed chuckled in agreement. Sitting down, Levy began to flit through the pages. Fifteen pages were completely full. Shutting it, Levy leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling for a bit. Then she started to snicker. Then the snickering turned into chortling. The chortles became giggles. The giggles became cackles. And before she knew it, Levy burst into full-blown demonic laughter.

"Hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm... heh heh heh heh... hee hee hee hee... ah ha ha ha ha... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Levy?" called a female voice from outside the door.

Levy ceased her insane laughter and returned to her old self immediately. "Yes, mom?"

"Are you all right in there?"

"I'm fine, mom! I was just thinking about something funny at school!"

"Okay, honey. I was going to tell you that dinner will be ready in awhile. We're having steak!"

"Thanks, mom!"

Levy listened as mother's footsteps faded away. Then a snake-like grin slithered its way onto her face. Steak was her favorite.

JUST AS PLANNED... she thought.

Knowing that dinner would take awhile to be ready, Levy went over to her desk to get a snack. Reaching past some books and paper, she came up with a plastic bag. Then Levy opened it, took out a potato chip...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...AND ATE IT!

 ** _Hiddenray's Note_** : So, Levy is Kira.


	41. Levy's Little Problem

_**Levy's Little Problem:**_

A couple of weeks after the founding of Natsu and Naruto's club, lots of other people joined.

Hanabi became a part of it to get away from all the training, Sakura eventually blackmailed Naruto into making her a member, Levy lost a bet and also joined.

Two weeks later, Levy was elected club president. Erza was brought along by Levy and the two female wizards became closer and friendlier every day. Hanabi started respecting Levy more than her own sister.

Hinata didn't like the new president.

0ooo0ooo0ooo0ooo0ooo0ooo0ooo0

Hinata paused in order to catch her breath. She'd been running for five minutes in her way to the clubroom. The reason behind this was because Levy had somehow slipped a note into her jackets' pocket during a mission at some point today.

"Meet me in the clubroom at 4:00. Don't tell anyone else," signed Levy.

As if to make things weirder, when she went to the clubroom earlier, she'd found a note taper to the door. It stated that all club activities were cancelled today, and that everyone was free to go home. Except for Hinata, of course. She'd read the paper on the door, thanked her personal gods for blessing her with a free day, and started to leave. She barely got out of the gate when she found the tiny note in her pocket. Now here she was racing through halls and up the stairs to see what the club president wanted.

Crap! thought Hinata. It's 4:06! Levy's probably pissed right now. Lucky me.

The moment Hinata entered the door, she knew what would happen: Levy would get mad at her for being late, then she'd rant and rave about how her never following orders, and then she'd give her the death penalty. Oh, joy.

So after taking a deep breath and gathering her wits, Hinata approached the clubroom door, grabbed the knob, and entered the dragon's lair. Instead of a barrage of angry demands like she expected, Hinata was greeted with silence. She soon saw why.

Levy was at the back of the room, pacing back and forth, with worried looked on her face. Hands folded behind her back, she continued her pacing, eyes narrowed in deep thought. It seemed as though she hadn't even heard her come in. After walking for about a minute, Levy sensed she wasn't alone in the room. She glanced up at Hinata as if noticing her for the first time. Then Levy's face slowly formed an expression. It wasn't anger. It was... relief?

"Oh, thank god! You're here, Hinata!" cried Levy. Then she ran up to Hinata and embraced her. "You have no idea how much I needed to see you!" she said into her chest.

Hinata was struck dumb. Levy was glad to see her? What, no yelling? No lecture? Something was up.

"Uh... Levy?" Hinata said, causing her to look up at her. "I'm late."

"Yeah...?" Levy said quizzically.

"So shouldn't you be giving me the death penalty or something?" asked Hinata.

Levy glared at her, and for a second, she looked like the Levy she was used to. But she didn't expect the following words to come out of her mouth...

"Death penalty? Forget that! Hinata, there is a much more pressing manner at hand!"

Either Levy McGarden had been replaced with an alien duplicate or there was something very wrong around here. Hinata watched as Levy moved past her and towards the door. Then she locked it. Hinata felt very uncomfortable for some reason.

"Why did you ask me to come here, Levy? And what's with all the secrecy?" Hinata asked after finding the nerve to speak.

Levy turned to Hinata and sighed. Then she looked at her with a expression that would usually be found on Wendy's face. Hinata's heart melted and her brain started yelling, Ohgodohgodohgodohgod...

Levy walked up to Hinata, with her hands tightly clasped together, and said, "Because Hinata... I need you."

Hinata's brain exploded."Wha-What?"

"Hinata, I have this problem. I had it for a long, long time. It started out small, but now it's gotten out of hand. You're the only one I've talked to about it. Nobody else knows. Not my parents, not any of the other members of the club, not anybody. You're the only I can turn to. Will you help me?" pleaded Levy.

Hinata felt relieved. For a moment there, it seemed like Levy was going to confess to her (not that she would have minded, though of course, she would have rejected her immediately). Nerves relaxed, she faced her club president with an expression of pure chivalry.

"Of course, Levy. I will help you," Hinata said gallantly. "Now what kind of problem do you have?"

Levy coughed to the side and said in a voice that should be considered a whisper, "I need your help to conquer a... fetish I have."

"A fetish?" said a perplexed Hinata. She hadn't been expecting that. Then again, Levy wasn't the most normal person he'd ever met.

"Yes, Hinata. A fetish. It's something so sick and vile that I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Because if I do, the only thing I'll see staring back at me is a monster," Levy said dramatically, raising a hand to her forehead in the process.

"So, what's your fetish, Levy?" asked Hinata. "Is it something gross? Because if you get your jollies from rolling around in piss or vomit, then..."

"It's nothing like THAT!"

"Then what is it?"

"It's nothing disgusting like what you said. It's just... really weird."

"Then just say it. Then I'll help you."

Levy looked straight at her shoes for a few seconds. Then she lifted her head to Hinata and took a deep breath. And then Levy McGarden belted out her secret to Hinata.

"I LIKE DELICIOUSLY FLAT CHESTS!"

One hell of an awkward silence followed.

"That's your big secret?" Hinata said, an amused smile creeping up on her features.

"Don't make light of this, Hinata! It's a problem I've had for my entire life! I didn't know about it until I came to the guild. Whenever I looked at the other girls in the guild hall, I was filled with a sense of loathing. That's when I realized that I was only truly happy in my neighborhood as a child! So many young girls in the awaiting stages of womanhood... I knew how weird people would find it if showed interest in my passion so I tried going out with several boys to curb my feelings. It didn't work out..." Levy admitted.

"Then why do you show such an interest in Miss Scarlet?" Hinata questioned, wondering why Levy showed such glee in molesting the well-endowed girl.

Levy looked at her as if she had just told her to clean a pool with her tongue. "I have no interest in Erza at all! I only brought her to attract attention for the club as eye-candy. And I only mess around with her to keep up appearances! But every time I touch her boobs, I'm filled with disgust. They're so... big and round! Not flat at all! Every time I come home, I wash and scrub my hands just to get the feeling off my skin! You think I'm into big breasts, Hinata? You couldn't be farther from the truth! Nasty! Gross! Repulsive things! ... But Sakura on the other hand..."

A dreamy expression appeared on Levy's's face. Drool began to spill out of the corner of her mouth. Hinata facepalmed in annoyance.

"Levy?"

"...Huh? What?"

"You're drooling."

"Oh! Whoops. That happens sometimes. I was just picturing Sakura in a swimsuit..."

As Levy wiped the fluid off her face, Hinata threw out another question. "But why is this such a problem? I mean it's a little weird, but it doesn't seem all that serious, Levy. And why does this concern me?"

Levy gave a guilty look at Hinata and said, "The thing is, Hinata, is that my problem is two-fold. The first part is my addiction to flat chests."

"Uh-huh. What's the second part?"

"The second part is that I'm in love."

"Y-You're in love?"

"I know! I can't believe it either! It's a mental illness and I'm sick with it!"

"Okay, okay! Calm down! Just who are you in love with?"

"I have fallen head over heels in love with someone I know. The recipient of my affection has the most prepubescent chest I've ever seen! This person makes my heart light up whenever I see her. Every time I see this person, I want to run over and squeeze her! But she has no idea of my feelings! Our romance would be considered forbidden by today's standards! And what's more, she's part of the Club! I don't know what to do!"

Someone she knows with a flat chest... Does she mean... Hinata's eyes widened. Sakura?!

Swallowing her surprise and gave Levy her best understanding face. "Relax, Levy. Just tell me who you have a crush on, and then I'll help you."

"This isn't a crush, Hinata!" Levy yelled with a red face. "This is true love! This person and I are destined to be with one another, but I have to refuse the call of fate!"

"Okay, okay, okay. Now... who are you in love with?"

"Promise you won't freak out, Hinata?"

"I promise, Levy. I wouldn't freak out over you being in love with Sakura."

"...Come again?"

"You meant Sakura, right? You said it was someone with a flat chest you knew, who was part of the club. It's Sakura, isn't it?"

"Err... no, Hinata. It's not Sakura."

"Then... who is it?"

"It's your sister."

Cities rose and fell. The two chunins at the gate got a promotion. A new Ice Age passed. Mario and Bowser fought through forty new games. Three more movies for Twilight came out. Matt Groening ran out of ideas for the Simpsons. The Jonas Brothers did remakes of all the Disney songs. That's how long it seemed to Levy before Hinata stopped staring at her, and she found the ability to speak once again.

"Levy..." Hinata said slowly.

"Yeah, Hinata?" said Levy, unnerved at the fact that that Hinata hadn't spoken for five minutes.

"Are you actually in love with my sister?" the girl asked quietly.

Levy tried to scan Hinata's face for any signs of a facial expression, but found none. "Yes, Hinata. I have romantic feelings for Hanabi. I've had them ever since I met her. It seemed weird at first, but then my feelings felt natural over time. The really strange part is that I've had these for her, and we've only met like three or four times! That's pretty funny, huh?"

"Yes, Levy," Hinata said emotionlessly, "That's a riot. Can I just ask you something?"

Levy exhaled some relief that Hinata seemed to be taking this rather well. "Sure! What is it?"

In a time-frame of two seconds, Hinata was in Levy's face, eyes drilling into hers, teeth bared, with his right hand gripping the orange ribbons on her hair. She didn't seem too pleased.

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU SICKO?!" Hinata roared into her face. For the first time in her life, Levy was afraid for her own safety.

"I'M SORRY, HINATA! I'M SORRY! PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Levy babbled.

"YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MY SISTER! MY TWELVE-YEAR OLD SISTER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DEPRAVED THAT SOUNDS, YOU FUCKING LOLICON!"

"I KNOW, HINATA! I KNOW! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW HOW THIS LOOKS! IF I KNEW SOMEBODY WHO WAS LUSTING AFTER A YOUNGER SIBLING OF MINE, I'D GO NUTS TOO!"

"...YOU MEAN YOU'VE HAD IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT HANABI! MY ANGELIC SISTER! THE SISTER WHO I'VE LOOKED OUT FOR SINCE SHE COULD WALK?! IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?!"

"PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION, HINATA! I DON'T WANT THESE FEELINGS! THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU HERE! I NEED YOU TO HELP ME OVERCOME MY ADDICTION TO YOUR SISTER'S LOLINESS! IF I DON'T CONQUER MY ATTRACTION TO HER, THEN MY PENT-UP FEELINGS MAY START TO SURFACE IN BIZARRE WAYS!"

"...ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT YOU MAY CONSIDER SEXUALLY-ASSAULTING HANABI IN THE FUTURE?!"

"THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING I WANT TO AVOID!"

Suddenly, Hinata released her grip on Levy's ribbons, and she plummeted to the floor on her butt. She remained there for a few seconds, just staring up at Hinata, who towered above her. She looked like an angry deity of some sort. After giving her a look that would melt a cement vest, Hinata sighed and placed a hand to her forehead.

"Levy..." Hinata said softly.

Levy gulped. "Y-Yeah?"

"I think I have the answer to your problem," Hinata said emotionlessly.

"You do? Oh, thank you, Hinata! You don't know how much this means to me! " smiled Levy, getting up to embrace Hinata. However, Hinata held out a hand to stop her.

"Huh?"

"The solution is this: I don't want you anywhere near my sister. I'm breaking off all your ties with her."

"WHAAAT?! You mean I can never see her again? That's totally unfair, Hinata!"

"Levy, my sister looks up to you. I want her to remain thinking of you as a big sister, and not as a girlfriend. So until you can control these unholy urges of yours, I don't want you within twenty feet of her. Understand? Good."

With that, Hinata made her way to the door. She was stopped when Levy grabbed her left ankle.

"What?"

"You can't separate us, Hinata! I will fight this! You can't stand in the way of true love!"

That's when Hinata leaned down to face Levy. "Levy?"

"Yeah...?" asked the bookworm, who felt like an ant facing a weed-whacker.

"Do you know what I'm going to do to you if I catch you doing anything to Hanabi?"

"No. What would you do?"

"Picture the worst thing in the world happening to you."

Levy did so.

"Good. Now picture it while being set on fire, lowered into a shark tank, having arrows launched at you, and holding a bomb in your mouth."

Levy gasped. "You would do that to me?"

Hinata glowered at her. "No. I'd do something worse. Goodbye, Levy."

Hinata then removed Levy's fingers from her ankle, placed two of her fingers into her ears, closed her eyes, and walked out the door while humming the theme song from the first season of Pokémon to drown out her protests.

Unfortunately, one of the things Levy yelled at her was, "Hinata! The stairs!"

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

CRASH!

After limping all the way home, Hinata went through her regular routine: She played with her sister (she gave her an extra big hug), she watched T.V., she had a snack, she watched an episode of K-ON that he Tivo-ed, did some homework, ate dinner, took a shower, and went to bed. All was well...

At least until midnight.

Tap tap tap.

"Huh?" mumbled Hinata rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

Tap tap tap.

The noise seemed to be coming from her window. Stumbling out of bed, Hinata looked outside and frowned. Standing in the middle of the street, pebbles in hand, and clad in a sweater, was Levy.

"Hey, Hinata!" Levy half-shouted, half-whispered to her. "What are you doing?"

"I WAS sleeping until you came along," Hinata half-whined, half-snarled at her. "What the hell do you want?!"

"I came here to talk!"

"It's 12 o'clock!"

"It's a very serious manner!"

"Levy, leave my house. We'll talk tomorrow. Now, go home before I call the cops!"

Levy put on a pouting face and began to walk away. Hinata sighed with relief and shut the window. Now she could sleep in peace. Getting back into bed, Hinata settled down and let sleep overtake her. She slept well... before something poked her in the shoulder.

"Mmmmphf?"

"Hinata? Are you awake?"

No. Fucking. Way, thought Hinata. She shot up in bed to find a pair of eyes staring at her in the darkness.

"Hey, Hinata," waved Levy.

Hinata fought the urge to disembowel her with a gardening implement and leaped out of bed. She flicked on her desk lamp.

"Levy!" Hinata hissed in a low voice. "How the hell did you get into my house?!"

Levy looked at her shoes and said in a guilty voice, "Your window was open."

"I closed my window!"

"...But the window in your sister's room was open a bit..."

Hinata woke up instantly and rushed to Hanabi's bedroom. Levy trailed after her. Once there, the heiress threw open the door (it was okay, since Hanabi could sleep through an earthquake) and ran over to her sister's bed. There she was, nuzzled under the blanket like an angel. Hinata let out a sigh of relief and faced Levy.

"What?" Levy asked innocently.

"Did you do anything to my sister?" Hinata said bluntly.

Levi's face was one of horror. "Hinata! I can't believe you'd suggest I'd do something so creepy! The nerve!"

"Levy, you'd better give me an answer right now. You may have power over me at the club, but this is my house. You broke in. By law, I can do a number of things to you and not go to prison," Hinata warned.

Levy's face blanched. "Okay, okay! I noticed that half of her blanket was kicked off, and that she was shivering. So I tucked her in."

"What else?" Hinata asked, knowing that something else had happened.

"Ummmmmmmmmm..." Levy stared at the floor.

"Levy..." Hinata tried again.

"I kissed her," Levy said flatly.

"YOU WHAT?!" Hinata roared, nearly waking up the whole house. Levy threw her hands in order to shield herself. Hanabi still slept.

"Not on the mouth! It was a good-night kiss! I did it on the cheek! IT WAS CHASTE!" Levy explained hastily in order to pacify Hinata. It seemed to calm her down somewhat. Hinata leaned against her sister's wall and slid down. She placed her hands over her face and started to mutter several things under her breath. Levy couldn't hear, but it sounded like Hinata was saying, 'I can't believe I actually said I enjoyed all the random crap that happens to me...'. Then she exhaled sharply and looked at Levy. She visibly flinched, but held her ground.

"Please, Hinata! I really need your help to get over this! I've spent many sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed. I can't concentrate during missions and I'm always tired! Only you can help me with this! I don't want the others to know about my secret shame! Help me! As your club president I order you to help me! So... please?"

Hinata noticed that Levy actually sounded genuine. She had looked a little ragged in the past couple of weeks. Maybe this was serious...

"Okay, Levy. You're my friend and friends help out each other in trouble. I'll help you get over your obsession with my sister."

"You will? Oh, thank you, Hinata! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!"

Hinata got off the floor and said, "First things first. Do you happen to have anything at your house that reminds you of Hanabi?"

At this question, Levy grinned sheepishly. "Well, now that you mention it..."

Hinata gaped. She was standing in the middle of Levi'sLevi'sLevi's room at 1 o'clock in the morning, and staring at the creepiest thing imaginable. Levy had brought her here after their chat in her house, demanding that they start working on her problem right away. Levy went over to a desk in the room's corner, and opened up a drawer on the bottom with a padlock.

The drawer had been stuffed to the brim with Hanabi memorabilia. Nearly everything that laid in front of Hinata had to do with her little sister. There was a Hanabi-shaped plushy, a poem dedicated to her, several drawings of her (in crayon, ink, pencil, AND watercolor), a Hanabi image song (WTF?!), her left sock that she'd lost a week ago, and her hairbrush. There was even a half-finished fanfic that described all the various things Levy wished to do to the twelve-year old girl involving: whipped cream, a feather-duster, chocolate sauce, scented candles, strawberries, a watermelon, a chinchilla, a golf club, and half a quart of orange sherbet.

"Is this... all of it?" asked Hinata, who was trying not to scream.

"Yup," Levy said with a hint of sadness, "This is it."

Then her eyes lit up suddenly. "Oh, wait a second! There's more!"

"More...?" dreaded Hinata.

She watched as Levy dashed over to her bookshelf and reached up to the third shelf. The Mage snatched a book from it that seemed to be a diary with hearts and flowers on it. She undid the lock on the front and flipped to the middle of the book. Hinata watched as Levy pulled out the middle center the pages on the book's right-hand side. She'd obviously carved out a secret compartment to store something in the space. But what? Hinata soon had her answer.

"Photographs?" murmured a befuddled Hinata.

"Indeed," replied a wistful Levy.

Levy withdrew at least eight pictures from the diaries secret compartment. Everyone of them had a picture of Hanabi on it. Hinata took the pictures and started flipping through them. Hanabi in the park with Moegi, Hanabi coming out of school, Hanabi playing, Hanabi running at the beach, and...

"Levy?"

"Yeah?"

"Is this my sister at my second cousin's pool?"

"Yeah..."

"From that time my family went to visit them on vacation?"

"Yeah..."

"...DID YOU FUCKING FOLLOW US?!"

"YES, YES! I DID! I'M THAT CREEPY!"

Groaning, Hinata placed the photos on top of everything and faced Levy. "Levy, I want you to go into the kitchen and get me a trash bag."

"What for?" asked a confused Levy.

"I'm going to throw everything, except my sister's sock and hairbrush, in it and then we're going to burn it," Hinata said without any remorse.

"Burn it!?" exclaimed Levy. "So soon!?"

"Levy, as long as you keep this stuff around, its power over you won't go away. We need to get rid of it, in order to cleanse your body. If we just threw it out, you'd just go through the garbage to get it back. Understand?" Hinata explained as gentle as she could.

"O-O-Okay..." sniffled Levy, "Sorry about snapping like that. I was weak."

Soon, Hinata and Levy had everything in the bag. The sun was beginning to peek out from the horizon.

Turning to Hinata, Levy said, "How am I going to go cold turkey for your sister? I still have to overcome my flat chest addiction! What about that Hinata?"

Hinata felt like a traitor, but she knew what had to be done to protect her sister from a pedophilic wizard. "Have you considered dressing up Sakura? Her body structure might be just be just the thing to curb your stress."

Levy's face broke out in a grin. "That's it, Hinata! You're a genius! I already have the perfect thing in mind! How does a gothic-lolita outfit sound?"

"That sounds... great."

"Oh, and, Hinata?"

"Yeah?"

"If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you."

"That's the Levy I know."

There was silence. Then Hinata spoke up again.

"Hey, Levy?"

"Yeah, Hinata?"

"You don't have... anything else of my sister in here do you?"

A pause.

"Levy?"

"Check under my pillow..."

Hinata did so. And she found something that Hanabi had lost months ago.

"Levy... is this Hanabi's... training bra?!"

"...It smells like pineapples."

"..."

"...Hinata?"

"I'm going to give you until the count of five, before I strangle you with your own ribbons..."

"You don't really mean tha-"

"One."

"Hinata! As your Club president I order you to-"

"Two."

"C'mon, take it easy! I saw it poking out of the hamper when I used your bathroom that one time and the temptation was too great! I was going to return it eventua-"

"Five."

And then Levy was racing out into the street, while Hinata zoomed after her, bra in hand. Just another regular day for the club.


	42. Lucy is Batman

_**AN: Just something that popped into my head.**_

 _ **The maiden rises**_

During the day, I am Lucy Heartfilia, but when darkness envelops the sky, I stop pretending. I stop smiling, I take off these sexy clothes.

I put on a mustache, and I wear a suit. I become... Daddy's Girl.

Natsu was making a speech for his fellow officers, "She's the hero Hargeon deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt her. Because she can take it. Because she's not our hero. She's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Cross-dresser."

 _ **THE END**_


End file.
